The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh. Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing. The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.
“They are clearly violating his rights,” said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU. “What is the deal with the ocean anyway? It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F–ing zoo! These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character.”
When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, “I’m glad you brought that up to the surface. We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily. There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh. But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice! Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!”
Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.