Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!

Mick Zano

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! …not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No…wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

I’m still predicting the Tea Party will be the GOP’s undoing. The hard right always likes to snatch victory from the jowls of DeMint…or something. Again, I’m breaking from the prognostic guru of our time, Nate Silver, which is never a good idea. But I refuse to believe the GOP will regain the senate. I like climbing out onto limbs, especially of the Jessica Alba variety…call me.

Some Dem or another recently pointed out how republican governors—those who denied Medicaid expansion for their states—are essentially responsible for an estimated 17,000 deaths. I work in the Medicaid world and, although this is a bit over the top, there’s some truth to that statement. I know, I know, math again. Through misinformation, conservatives may have already killed more folks than Obama death panels and planking accidents, combined.

All indications are the ACA is meeting its goals and that the majority of recent news for the program is very promising, here. More people are covered and rates are, for the first time in my adult lifetime, slowing…and I’m older than Dirk…you know, that guy from Battlestar Galactica.

Some larger insurers are jumping on board and, as previously mentioned, the vast majority of hospital administrators think it’s going to help the industry, here. So despite both republican opposition and those horrid rollout glitches, enrollment numbers are…well:

8.1 Million Signed up on ACA Exchanges, 1.1 Million Over Estimates
8.1 million Signed Up on ACA Exchanges, 1.1 million Over Estimates, How will Obama explain this discrepancy to the American people?!
How will Obama explain this discrepancy to the American people?!

“It turns out that lots of people who don’t have health insurance would rather have health insurance. Who knew?”

—Jonathon Chait

So, which States Are Signing Up For Obamcare?

Obamacare Enrollment Red states vs Blue States

Unfortunately, this chart is older than Dirk. Did I do that joke already? Battlestar Repeatica? But this polarizing trend is only deepening, see: States Embracing Obamacare are doing better job of covering the uninsured, surveys show. And the only red state in the top ten of that chart is Kentucky, but only because they named the exchange site: WeHateObamacare.guv.

Well, who could have seen any red state lagging…oh, wait:

“If the ACA works well in some states and lousy in others, we can do our R and D checklist….well, some of us can. I believe it will work in some places, but not so much in others.”

“Unfortunately, I am predicting huge ongoing delays in certain square states, who simply refuse to take their socialized medicine.”

—Mick Zano 9/13 and 11/13, respectively.

This quote brought to you from 1313 MockingU Lane. What television show?! Look, the GOP said over and over again how the ACA “can’t possible work” and predicted it “would be the end of America!” There’s your first clue, kids. For all of their grand predictions…well, tell them what they’ve won, Vanna!

Since you tried to break something that’s now the law of the land and failed, you win the Senate!

Yes, the folks from the land of Neverever Right are gaining political ground. But I’m still not convinced it will topple the senate. And, if you can’t believe a spoof news blogger today, who can you believe? If this happy trend continues in Obamacare land my original prediction stands…that Sanjaya will win the 2006 American Idol crown! Okay, not that prediction. But I still believe Sanjaya!

As usual, Waldman gets it:

“The next time you see a Republican candidate saying that Obamacare is well on its way to implosion and will destroy America along the way, remember that regardless of the facts, he isn’t acting foolishly. He may be denying reality, he may be appealing to his constituents’ worst instincts, and he may be making them dumber along the way. But he’s doing the rational thing.”

Paul Waldman

In reality, we’re not really going to know for years who’s better off and who’s not. But, thanks to their steadfast republican prediction, it became reeeeeaaal easy for me. I admit I gain some of my prognosticating prowess from their ineptitude.

Look, how could Obamacare possibly be worse than the preexisting condition? Insurance rates were rising 6% per year? Less and less were insured while more and more people were one procedure away from bankruptcy. Hey, but we have the lowest taxes in the civilized world, let’s start a Tea Party! Don’t Tread on Meh?

The details of the impact of the ACA will remain complicated for a long time and republicans can’t even do simple. Here’s their summary:

Fox News Poll: Only Four People Signed up for Obamacare
Fox News Poll: Only Four People Signed Up for Obamacare…and they all hate it.
…and they all hate it.

You republican types believe a whole bunch of horse shit, but, that’s okay, because it’s all part of being a republican. As I’ve said before, Obamacare will work about the same as any other government program, which equals: High bureaucracy, but tolerable.

I agree we need good government programs, not shitty ones, but that’s all we got. I wish we were more competent, but I will continue to choose the lesser of two evils. Republicans, meanwhile, will keep trying to scrub off that 666 tattoo under the hairline and make excuses like:

“My wife might look like a dog, but she’s really a jackal, which is exotic. And, sure, Damien is going through a lot of nannies, but in the heartland we feel that’s just saving us some deportation funds.”

—John Q. Republican

Right now, all data, polls, and models predict a likely GOP senate takeover in the midterms, but models can be wrong as we have seen with the climate. Wait, I’m being told those are back on track again. So things should be heating up, politically and thermologically. By the midterms Obamacare will be functioning even better and the GOP will make the Shiites and the Sunnis seem like the Wonder Twins. Wonder Twins activate, form of prediction.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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