Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee. Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring. My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.
My platform will be one of openness and will be available to my constituency, at least the cute ones, any time. Goal number one will be to attack the deficit. But this war on the deficit will be primarily a police action, handled mostly through intelligence agencies and targeted predator drone strikes. On the deficit home-front a national lottery will be created—a big assed one—not like that three-state Powerball dipshit. The proceeds made will be used to eliminate the budget deficit. Best of all we will not need to pay money out to any of the winners, they will be paid with time. Jenna Jamison has volunteered time with any of the male winners. Female winners will be blessed with a few hours of yours truly (oh, and all the homely ones are to report to Mick Zano).
The energy crisis and child obesity will be my next attack. All fat children, in order to play video games, will have to pedal a bike to make the energy to run said game. All extra energy will be used to offset energy usage. To further incentivize the peddling, maybe the zombies in the video games should be real. Lazy kids should probably stick to reading instead. Our children will either be smart, fit, or eaten by zombies, all the while solving our energy crisis. I was even thinking of ‘a zombie in every pot’ for my slogan.
These brilliant, yet simple, ideas are just the beginning. This country will not know what hit it, besides recessions, tornadoes, and Tea Party rallies. My presidency will signify the dawn of a new enlightened age for mankind…or the Mayan shit’s going to happen. I’m sure it’s one of the two.