God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

Heaven—God admits “mistakes were made” after He decided to use a series of tornado outbreaks to suck his ‘chosen people’ to paradise.  God is blaming some of Heaven’s bureaucratic procedures for the mess. 

“Nothing but red tape,” said God.  “The forms I have to fill out just to send one giant wave into a coastal city these days is me-damned ridiculous.  And, sure, raptures only happen one time per planet, but keep in mind there are a shitload of planets throughout the multi-verse.”

When questioned, God did not know the exact number “off the top of my head.”

When asked specifically about the use of tornadoes as the vehicle for rapture, God said, “I was trying to think of something special for Earth, but then the sheer amount of vortexes became hard to control.  You try controlling a herd of tornadoes, or is it a gaggle? Excessive moisture in the atmosphere didn’t help any.  (Expletive)-ing global warming!”

God admits some chosen people were left behind, while others were taken wrongly.

“We have a Jew up here now, and the last one of those I let sneak by was in the year zero, if you catch my meaning.”

Has God lost his omnipotent status?  God reports he has only lost his ‘deity status.’ Provided he makes no other mistakes for the next ten million years, he will be fully omnipotent once again with all rights, honors and privileges granted unto.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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