Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”

An unnamed bartender at McMullen’s pub said, “Yeah, we’ve seen Mueller around here before. We know he’s tanked when he tries karaoke. He always sings Secret Agent Man and draws his weapon as a prop. He’s loaded, but I’m not really sure about the gun.Then he orders people to clap or threatens an investigation. Last week, he also kept saying he broke his own personal Guinness Book of World Records …for drinking Guinness. He usually doesn’t say a word until about five or six pints in, then he quickly shifts his personality to mega-asshole.”

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said, “I think this is yet another example of why we must investigate the investigators. We think in this particular instance, The Daily Discord got this story right. Sometimes this website reports negative stories about the president, aka Fake News, but we commend The Discord’s reporting for this one. Now, if the president tweets about this fictional barroom conversation today that’s all we need to shift this story from Fake to Fact.”