The Shart Of The Deal

Republicans want us to believe they’re the common sense people, and that they alone know how the ‘real world’ works. They then proceed to elect the two most incurious presidents in our nation’s history, consecutively. Doesn’t Occam’s razor suggest something different? My blogvesary, Pokey, doesn’t think so, and he also feels I haven’t offered enough historical context for my arguments. Conservatives apparently need a genre-specific landscape painted for them. Nopointillism? Why would anyone need more brush strokes in the USA today? Perhaps my friend thinks Trump is God’s instrument. Yeah, well one man’s instrument is another man’s tool. In lieu of addressing the political challenge of our time, namely his choice for president, he continues to attempt to reanimate a series of zombie scandals. As for the actual bona fide scandals of today, to quote my friend Ling Carter, “If you can’t connect these dots, we’re going to need to order some larger dots.”

During George W. Bush’s tenor I focused on approximately ten major points/scandals. I’ll spare you the recap, suffice to say all ten proved legit. This is why historians ranked his presidency among the most rank in history. Over those eight long years, my friend either misunderstood the gravity of the situation, or minimized it. In a number of countries, today, our 43rd president would still be arrested at the airport for his war crimes. Two in the hand is worth one Bush on the tarmac?

And by comparison what exactly is your score, Mr. Pokey McDooris? At this point you must have gained some insight into your own lack of insight. The noise from you and your ilk invariably ends with someone in authority, usually a Republican, finding no wrong doing. Although, it does tend to take several investigations to reach that profound conclusion. Delayed adjudification?

You want some more context? Here’s the basic GOP-scandal terminus:

  1. Hillary’s email issues (insufficient evidence for another investigation – AG Sessions, Trey Gowdy (R) Chair of the House Oversight Committee)
  2. Clinton Foundation and Uranium One (insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel – AG Sessions, Trey Gowdy)
  3. The Russian Dossier (insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel – Trey Gowdy)
  4. IRS scandal (insufficient evidence of wrongdoing – District of Columbia’s DOJ Ronald Marchens)
  5. Climate-gate (Scientists cleared of any wrongdoing – National Science Foundation)
  6. FBI’s mishandling of the Russia investigation (insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel – AG Sessions, Trey Gowdy)
  7. Fast & Furious (Eric Holder cleared by the US DOJ’s Inspector General. Obama never implicated.)
  8. Benghazi (no criminal wrongdoing – Trey Gowdy)
  9. Solyndra (No political manipulation or wrongdoing – House Energy and Commerce Committee Investigation)
  10. Susan Rice’s ‘umasking’ of Trump aids (Allegations cleared by all members of the House and Senate intelligence committees from both parties)*sigh*
  11. Pizzagate? Oh, and let’s not forget White Water. Actually let’s forget all of it… [Flush].

I’m not saying there’s nothing here, but, as compared to Bush and the Trumpster, There.Is.Nothing.Here… Meanwhile, my similar list for Bush atrocities would read: “Discovered to be true, yet never fully investigated, or prosecuted.” Seems fair. In the past, what investigation have I ever suggested that proved totally unfounded? On the flipside, what have you asked to investigate that has any merit? [Insert Pokey’s Hillary email issue comment here.] I have already given you that, thus your 10% score.

Hint: that’s not a good score.

What exactly is the problem here? Conservatives refuse to give up on any of their falsehoods, regardless of how trivial. Where the Clinton’s are concerned, they make Captain Ahab look like the Dude. Prior to the big Hillary email bust, did any Republican ever say, “Check her server! She’s mishandling stuff!” Of course not, which is why I have an equal disregard for anyone in the age of Jobs and Gates who failed to properly install their Kaspersky Russian spyware. Ha! I feel safer already. Of course, my organization would have simply fired the IT guy (no offense, Crockett. Actually, your days are numbered!).

The average Republican always seems to know slightly less than their favorite entertainment anchor, yet slightly more than their investigatory counterparts. They have 24/7 exclusive front row seats to the real facts on the ground. Umm, it seems your ‘facts’ are right by that other steaming pile on the ground. [Please curb your Foxal Matter.]

The tragedy is how real shit was happening during these mindless diversions. I know because I was trying to cover them. There was never an investigation on the dubious lead up to the Iraq War. Couldn’t we go back in time and spare a single Benghazi investigation for something relevant? And today, I can see beyond the damning conclusions of the Mueller investigation to Kevin Nunes’ criminal enabling trial. Whereas I can see tomorrow rather clearly, my blogvesary still seems a little hazy on yesterday. Speaking of Yesterday:

“Collusion is, something started with some shady biz, when Trump paid a Moscow gal to take a piss, oh, I believe in analysis.”
–Lennon, McCarthy & Stalin

As you and your ilk perseverate on endless waves of either fake news or scandelletes, it doesn’t change the fact that people you tend to elect should probably hang. Trump represents a profound threat to our democracy, beyond even ‘Dubya’s executive expansion and butchery. At the onset of the Reign of Trump, Robert Reich noted the seven hallmarks of a tyrant. How did you miss all seven?

To be fair, I have some Obama pet peeves of my own, rarely mentioned because you’re side is too busy making shit up. NSA expansion (legal post the Patriot Act), the committing of troops without congressional approval (arguably legal post the Patriot Act). Once again, I remember speaking out against the Patriot Act, while you were no doubt transfixed on the day’s Pizza-gate equivalent.

And the biggest actual Obama scandal goes to (drum roll) …Obama’s cover up of his predecessor’s war crimes.

The day Colin Powell stepped into the UN with his little vile of joy, I said ‘he would rue this day’ and, of course, he did. And the day John Kelly became Trump’s Chief of Staff, last August, I posted this on the Discord about his imminent rueing. Last week he confirmed this with, “God is punishing me.” Each day this spoof news site musters some insights, but Republicans as a whole seem devoid of this ability (the W left off for your protection). I have challenged you to use our archives to find some of your own, or some other Republican’s, insight. I know, that’s become a bit of an oxymoron.

[Super oxymoronjority joke removed by the editor.]

This is why you should avoid taking any of these Mueller bets that are currently on the table. I know, you’re calling your bookie right now and betting everything on the dossier in the third. Here comes Salacious & Unverified on the outside rail! My predictions were all pretty damned accurate under Bush, and Trump is easy-peasy by comparison. Meanwhile, next to nothing you’ve been ranting about over the decades has amounted to anything. That’s a damning indictment in and of itself. Trump arguably committed more atrocities this week than both Clintons have over their entire careers, life, kin’s life,, species in general.

The intelligence community was wrong on Iraq WMDs, but that didn’t stop Bush from using that information to invade the wrong country. The intelligence community was right about Russian meddling into the 2016 election, but that didn’t stop Trump from ignoring it outright. The only thing consistent in my lifetime is the Republicans’ ability to get shit wrong.

Our nation is facing some real problems, and most have either been created or exacerbated by our friends on the right. Stop doing the bidding for morons, Poke. Have you even done your homework yet? Have you sought out the last of the Republican intelligentsia? Remember the old saying, you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone? …I don’t remember that, so I guess that’s gone too. But you’ve been shown the media bias chart from my last feature, so let’s see if you can pick up the ball and start running in the right direction this time. Think of it as your road map back to reality. Read it, embrace it, and God speed.

Aaaand …today, as I finish this post, we find Trump is promoting Gina Haspel to head the CIA who “tortured some folks” and then destroyed evidence. If Obama had done his job she would be in jail (if she really participated in this). Yep, it will always be pizza-gate vs war crimes. Next time maybe try a meat lover’s scandal.

Mmmm, meat scandal.


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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

  16 comments for “The Shart Of The Deal

  1. pokey
    March 20, 2018 at 8:36 AM

    Let’s just state a few facts to cut through the cloud of amorphous dots that you are so skilled at spewing:
    1) 30,000 subpoenaed emails were purposely deleted by Hillary CLinton–true or false. You have been mysteriously silent about this fact. What is your interpretation of this fact?

    2) An internal FBI investigation has concluded that McCabe leaked (he calls it “shared”) information regarding the Clinton investigation to the media and then did not act with candor when questioned (ie. he lied).

    3) McCabe claims that he “shared” this info. to the media with the knowledge of then FBI director James Coumey.

    4) When questioned at a 2017 Congressional hearing, James Coumey was asked if he had “ever been an anonymous source in news reports about matters relating to the Trump investigation or the Clinton investigation” or whether he had “ever authorized someone else at the FBI to ba an anonymous source in news reports about the Trump investigation or the Clinton investigation.” And Coumey responded “never” and “no.”

    5) Text messages show Peter Strozk and Lisa Page planning a meeting with FISA court judge Rudolph Contreras, who later recused himself from the Flynn hearing AFTER Flynn pleaded guilty.

    Connect the facts, not the dots, and tell me what your interpretation of these facts are.

    • Mick Zano
      March 20, 2018 at 11:12 AM

      Zenwrongness in action, folks. Nevermind all those things I went on about that proved to be bullshit, today is the day I’ve got something valid! Riiigght. The GOP is like Wile E Coyote after the anvil-caused TBI.

      1) True, Hillary deleted 30,000 emails. Nice. I asked you to keep mentioning this as your only valid point since 1974. well done. grab a Scooby snack.
      2.) The IG report that alleges McCabe’s errors with the media has not been released. So you, as a graduate of the Sean Hannity School of Extrapolation, know exactly what’s in it already, because any gap in our knowledge gets immediately filled with Foxal Matter and Benghazite.
      3.) see #2
      4.) See #2
      5) Was there enough evidence to continue the Carter Page FISA warrant or not? Why don’t you care about the truth? Let the FISA courts answer that one; they can and should. The answer so far is YES. But keep looking for that technicality, just as you will when Mr. Mueller comes to town. Let’s keep trying to get the sociopathic-manchild off on a technicality.

      Whenever there’s a gap in knowledge that’s where the conspiracy is hiding. Just out of sight. Meanwhile, the real scandal is always staring the republicans right in the face. In fact it’s sitting in the oval office, right now. You didn’t notice because you were too busy comparing apples to orangutans.

      • Mick Zano
        March 20, 2018 at 11:17 AM

        Let’s step away from the brewing constitutional crisis, so that we may bring this possible mid-level misstep. Ha! I’m going to give you another hint. McCabe’s firing has to do with the “Russher thing”

  2. pokey
    March 20, 2018 at 3:27 PM

    I agree about Carter Page–ask the judge if they would approved the warrant if they would have been given all the info that we now have. Maybe the answer is “yes.”

    Be honest with me Zano. If Mueller subpoenaed amails or text messages from Trump during the time before and after the 2016 election and Trump purposefully deleted 100 of them (much less 30,000) wouldn’t you assume that he was hiding evidence that would prove his guilt? Honestly.

    The issue is whether the FBI and DOJ were politicized and working for the advantage of one party over the other.

    Did McCabe’s firing have anything to do with partisanship?
    Why did COntreras recuse himself AFTER Flynn pleaded guilty?

    I really don’t know for sure. Do you want to know the truth on these matters?

    • Mick Zano
      March 21, 2018 at 2:38 PM

      I do, it’s just that, in the moment I’m always looking into something republicans think is important but turns out to be BS. If Trump goes for Mueller we have a constitutional crisis the like we have never seen in our lifetime. The bigger question, is does that matter to you?

      • pokey
        March 21, 2018 at 3:30 PM

        Yes, it does. so we have two issues that are deeply interconnected

        1) The politicization of the FBI and DOJ and the Mueller special counsel (Is there one person on the counsel who is NOT anti-Trump)
        2) Trump Collusion / Conspiracy

        We cannot adequately address number two until we are bipartisan confident with number one

        • Mick Zano
          March 21, 2018 at 6:22 PM

          Is there an adult with an IQ above a turnip on Earth still pro-Trump? Do the words mutually exclusive mean anything to you? We can’t adequately address the steamy pile of number two, until we are willing to curb our Foxal Matter.

          • pokey
            March 22, 2018 at 8:37 AM

            I am currently Pro-Trump. I am more Pro-Trump than ever. Although Trump has obviously had questionable business dealings with Russia in the past, I see no facts that show him working with Russian government to interfere with election–it’s possible that such facts do exist; I just have not seen them. But there is factual evidence showing high ranking FBI and DOJ members actively working to shield Hillary Clinton from legal charges, and those same high ranking FBI and DOJ are now working to embarrass (illegal release of information), undermine, and ultimately terminate Trump’s presidency.

            If members of FBI and DOJ, and the Mueller investigation have been politicized then we have no objective standard of authority by which to proceed.

            I have shown you ample evidence that high ranking FBI and DOJ treated Clinton differently than they treated Trump. Loretta Lynch “encouraged” Comey to soften the speech of his documentation relate to Clinton, and Lynch never recused herself even after she was caught meeting with Bill; yet Trump’s Attorney General is pressured to recusal almost immediately. The fact that Clinton deleted 30,000 subpoenaed emails did not warrant a special counsel or criminal charges; but a special counsel is called on Trump for merely firing Comey (he had the legal right to fire Comey). Look at the people working under Mueller who are now found to be Anti-Trump and even Clinton doners. (Is this all just FOXX news propaganda?)

            Let me be clear–I don’t think the recent Congressional findings are adequate, but when the Congressional findings made their conclusions that found no crime with Clinton that was that. There was no further call for special counsel probes who have an infinite amount of resources to look into every crevice a person’s life and run them bankrupt through legal costs.

            Be honest–if Trump deleted subpoenaed emails you (and most whom I’ve spoken with on the Left) would claim grounds for impeachment. This lack of acknowledgement in the discrepancy in “fairness” between how Clinton was treated and how Trump is being treated is the reason that I (and many others) will RESIST this great injustice that is now occurring. It is this great injustice that prompts me to overlook some of our President’s minor flaws and further inspires my support for Donald Trump.

            • Mick Zano
              March 22, 2018 at 1:53 PM

              You’re right, of course, we should move for the impeachment of President Clinton.

              • pokey
                March 22, 2018 at 2:48 PM

                Again, it’s not about Clinton; it’s about the politicization of the FBI and the DOJ. You can’t deny that these two presidential candidates have been treated by a vastly different standard by the higher ups in the FBI and DOJ–so vastly different that one is compelled to wonder whether the DNC did not actively politicize these law enforcement agencies.

                It seems obvious to me–and that is a different issue from Russian Trump collusion

              • pokey
                March 22, 2018 at 3:25 PM

                I want you to open your mind REAL wide Zano. What if the big wigs in the FBI and DOJ actively worked to protect Hillary from legal charges and then set up an “insurance policy” in the unlikely event that Trump actually won. They would then be able to link the ongoing Russian electoral interference with Trump’s past business dealings and present campaign staff in order to allege conspiracy between Trump and Putin. They could illegally leak suggestive material to the eager press in order to suggest wrongdoing without having to ever specify criminal activity. They could get a Special Council with an infinite amount of resources to investigate all members of Trump’s team until they find something that will stick or run everybody into bankruptcy with defense costs. Thus they could RESIST and destroy the Trump presidency before it even got started. AHAHAHHAHAH!

                This is exactly what’s happening.

                • Mick Zano
                  March 22, 2018 at 6:26 PM

                  Ask you doctor if Paranoixzia is right for you. Consult a physician if any unfounded conspiracy theory that lasts more than four news cycles. Do not take Paranoixzia if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.

                  • pokey
                    March 23, 2018 at 8:22 AM

                    Rather than concede defeat in the 2016 election, the heart and soul of the Democratic Party has engaged in a covert RESISTance against the democratically elected President. The Mueler investigation is the outgrowth of the resistance.

                    And the upcoming “constitutional crisis” of which you speak with such concern is the direct result of this RESISTance.

                    The burden of proof is on the prosecution.

                    Prove me wrong.

                  • pokey
                    March 23, 2018 at 8:24 AM

                    Would you define the claim that President Trump conspired with the Russians to steal the 2016 election an “unfounded conspiracy theory”?

                  • pokey
                    March 23, 2018 at 11:01 AM

                    “The whole of history is the collision of competing conspiracies.” Pokey McDores

                    • Mick Zano
                      March 23, 2018 at 5:18 PM

                      “The Hole of History is republican thought in the 21st century” -Me, just now

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