In these hard economic times, there is little I won’t do to try to snag a few free brewskis. (Please disregard anything Senator Larry Craig says I’ll do for a beer; it’s all lies!). Despite the Discord contributors’ bulging pockets, they have yet to send me a single royalty check. I heard Zano is taking his family to Costa Rica with his last check, and Winslow just bought his sixth house. If you add Winslow’s houses and John McCain’s houses…never mind; McCain would have to know how many he has. Anyway, can you guess what sort of scam these blog boobs try to rope me into?
Let me try to quote Zano verbatim, “If you can get The Daily Discord set up on Twitter and get us a bunch of followers, I’ll buy you a beer.”
Being the inventive (greedy) thinker I am, I quickly asked, “Well, if I get more followers, will I get more beer?”
I received a hesitant ‘yes’ so envisioning all of those free suds a-flowing, I immediately got to work. Now, I’m not sure how much all of the millions of people that are reading this know about Twitter, but it’s its own beast. On both My Space and Face Book, accepting a ‘friend’ is a mutual exchange. You can ask to befriend a thousand people, but you won’t get a single bite unless they agree, or you happen to look like Jessica Alba.
On Twitter, things are different. They don’t have friends, they have followers, and I think this is mostly because of their cult background. AKA, don’t drink the Kool-Aid. So in theory, it is sort of like a high school popularity contest a week before Valentine’s Day. You go around ‘following’ others on the slim hope that they might think you are cool enough to return the favor.
But I was already an expert at Twitter cuz, you now…I’d been on there for a whole six months now. At first I scoffed, because the people at the Discord were posting things with zero followers (pretty much like this article), so I stepped in and started ‘following’ hordes of others like crazy. Crazy like a fox. Before you knew it, The Daily Discord was on the books. We were somebody and, more importantly, I got two free beers out of Zano! (No easy trick.) This was going great. Things were rolling. I was drinking for free, living the dream. But, like the greedy bastard I am, this wasn’t enough. What if I could get them hundreds, maybe even thousands of followers?! I could be drinking free all the time. I could reach some Pale Ale Nirvana. I could attain EnBudLitenment. I could quit my day job. I could get my cell phone turned back on.
So after ingesting those precious free beers—and a few more of my own, back home—I began to hit the streets of Twitterville. I was knocking on more doors than a Jehovah’s Witness with a meth habit.
The numbers were flying by. I couldn’t even keep up with how many people The Daily Discord was following. We were going to be HUGE. They like us, they really like us. More importantly, I was going to be drunk, and soon!
I didn’t even look at how many followers I might have gained for the Discord. I wanted to be as surprised as everyone else. I just hoped Zano had brought his credit cards because, heck, I might be getting some chicken wings too. I then proudly opened up my laptop and, much to my dismay, that damn cult had taken a big Twit on my hopes and dreams. Yes, Twitter had closed our account. The Daily Discord Twitter account went Elvis, only 24 hrs after Operation Happy Hour went into effect.
Maybe they thought we were porn producers or spam artists, but I’m not buying it. They saw our site and they want to suppress the truth. The truth as only we dare print. Well, we’re not going to take it. I, for one, will not put up with this twit! I emailed the bastards, twice, and they are ignoring me, outright. Sorry, but that’s my wife’s job, assholes.
The Daily Discord intends to sue Twitter to the fullest extent of the law.
Next week we will be filing claims in federal district court for breach of contract, violation of free speech, violation of due process, defamation of character, defecation of account, and anything else our clever lawyers can come up with. Hell, I might even throw in an interference with contract claim on my own behalf, because they prevented me from getting my free beer. Those bastards will be reeling when they get served with the papers. I’m guessing we’ll be asking for about $10 million, maybe more. Oh, and now I owe Zano a beer, so you can bet that will be tacked onto the suit as well. Bastards!
So you had better watch out Twitter. Your days are numbered. No one keeps me from getting twit-faced.