Top 10 Reasons I Hate Top 10 Lists

Mick Zano

This hateful post was inspired by Newsweek.  They had this article involving the top movies about high school.  Out of the 15 listings, which included Clueless, Heathers, and clueless women named Heather, there was no mention of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Nothing.  I can’t make this up.  Well, I could, but I didn’t this time. 

Of course, Grease and High School Musical made the cut.  Angered, I directed my web searches toward other top 10 listings.  I would also like to make it clear that I did not view hundreds of sites and pick on some.  I am covering each and every debacle as it happens.  It’s as close to Tweeting as I get on the first date.

Speaking of shitty top tens, I decided to check out Humor Links.  The Daily Discord recently switched categories from political satire to spoof news.  On our old list, we remained well under the Yeetle Box—a site diligently not updated for your enjoyment since the Reagan Administration.  At least they’re consistent.  What a joke, and not in a funny way usually associated with a humor site.  We are barely in the top 10 now!  Us?  The funny people?  Now we’ve moved over to the “spoof news” category with our friend’s over at The Daily Rash, a funny site.  But most of the other stuff sucks!  We often have much higher ratings than people who remain ahead of us on the list.  Yeah, that’s fair…  Oh, and we’re the only ones who never get a picture by our site.  Bastards!  Mr. Cohen will be in touch with the Humor Links people soon.  When you can’t send in the clowns, send in the lawyers. 

Then I decided to direct my top-ten fury toward other comedy sites.  I found a “top 100 stand-up comedians of all time” site that truly made me want to retch.

Rodney Dangerfield is already down by Larry the friggin’ Cable Guy?  Already?  Doesn’t Rodney get any respect?  Oh…rrrright.   And on The Simpsons he never got any regard either.  This was a sad sad day for comedy.  Like the inception of the Discord.  And who the hell is Dylan Moran?   Geesh.

Speaking of the Simpsons…that gives me an idea.  OK, I just searched top ten Simpsons characters, and this is what came up.  Again, I always go with the first site as delivered by the Google Gods (this time, one called Top Tens).

  1. Homer Simpson
  2. Bart Simpson
  3. Ralph Wiggum
  4. Groundskeeper Willie
  5. Lisa Simpson
  6. Mr. Burns
  7. Moe
  8. Chief Clancy Wiggum
  9. Sideshow Bob
  10. Marge Simpson

A year and a half ago, The Daily Discord had its own battle about the Simpsons characters.  Just to give you an idea how seriously we take such things, this was the result from the Discord peanut gallery.

  1. Homer Simpson
  2. Montgomery Burns
  3. Groundskeeper Willie
  4. Ned Flanders
  5. Chief Clancy Wiggum
  6. Apu
  7. Moe
  8. Grandpa Simpson
  9. Sideshow Bob
  10. Otto Man

If you stop to think about it, many of the main family members should not be in the top ten.  Bart comes close and may actually be #11, but as for that other “list,” HAH!  I’m surprised Maggie isn’t there (slurp, slurp).  The bottom line is this: if you put some thought into these things, they can be done right. If not, you have wrought much discord on our fair nation…almost Daily Discord, as it were.

One more search. What the hell, it’s fifty cent refills for coffee here and the barista looks like Jennifer Aniston.   The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) popped up first.  Well, something else popped up first, but I don’t like to talk about it. IMDB had the top 50 horror movies of all time.  Rosemary’s Baby is number 7?? And something called Ugetsu monogatari is ranked 8th?  That sounds like something I ate a sushi bar once and became deathly ill. After some thought, I believe Ugetsu was that the flying turtle that assailed Tokyo.

Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein came in at 9 and 14 respectively, while the original Dracula was 48th?  Really?  48th!  And Saw is 49th!  Alien beat Aliens and Evil Dead II beat Evil Dead I and Shaun of the Dead was right behind Dawn of the Dead at 19 and 20.  This is what happens when you let people vote.  I’m beginning to think Dick Cheney is right.  Speaking of which, where was Oliver Stone’s W.?  Now that was a scary movie.  And what about The Crying Game?  I didn’t sleep for weeks after that flick.  It was like a Twilight Zone ending from hell.  Old Serling had a Rod.  Yikes.

These online top ten lists are terrible and should be banned.  I will start by petitioning Mr. Winslow to nix all of our old top ten lists here at the Daily Discord.  Although, our Top 10 Worst Bar Names list was pretty funny.  I still want to own an English pub called The Scrotum and Mallet.  Sounds like a place that dwarf from Lord of the Rings would hang out.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.