Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).
“First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager. Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact.”
Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as “appalling.”
Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets. When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.
Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, “They’re already among us! Keep looking up!” and, “It’s a cookbook!”
Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks–a film Hawking believes has “an eerie almost prophetic realism,” but he warned, “don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us.”
Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, “If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em.”