Reptilican Virus Spreading in the Elderly

Mick Zano

Sure Ebola is a big problem, if you live in West Africa, but here in the good old U.S. there’s a more insidious virus infecting our populous. Conservative “thought” is now airborne and spreads through only a couple of powerful media sources. It can trigger an immediate emotional response from the more primitive centers of the brain, akin to a brain fart. The Limbaugic system?

This virus, known as Reptilicans, can attack the person’s ability to reason, shutting down the higher cognitive functions faster than a Big Gulp of Irish Moonshine. Never order that (I’m talking to you Uptown bartender with the cap). This com-murdoch-able disease has already infected everyone in the Fox Nation and its one of the greatest threats we face—worse still, it’s spilling over into my own political lap like a drunk stripper with an inner-ear infection. Never order that.

This movement is harnessing all the fear, paranoia, propaganda and bigotry in this world as it shifts the focus away from the biggest problem of our time, namely themselves. My years of Henny Penny blog rants went unnoticed so I think it’s time we all ducked. The sky is falling and a recent Pew research poll is backing some of my unsettling claims, here. It basically suggests the ongoing impetus behind our increasing polarization is republican in nature, and—surprise, surprise—it’s predominately a Fox News-driven phenomenon (FNDP). I’m afraid this trend will have a more direct link to our demise than all the jihad-stoning-nutjobs combined. Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Where political parties come for their news
Where political parties come for their news

I guess all those jokes I’ve made about republicans not being able to connect the dots comes down to the fact…um, they only have one. Here’s Waldman’s take:

“You’ll notice that for the consistent conservatives, trust is basically a function of ideology and partisanship. The only sources that over 50% of them trust are Fox and a bunch of conservative radio hosts.”

Paul Waldman

I would argue the other 50% of conservatives can be broken out into two camps: the semi-sane and the people not really interested in stuff. The semi-engaged will always be among us, but it’s these Walkers we really need to worry about:

Boo! Sorry We Couldn’t Get This Out by Halloween.
Boo! Sorry we couldn’t get this out by Halloween. Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.
Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.

 “The fact that conservatives are this paranoid should be alarming enough, but it becomes even more frightening when you consider who conservatives do trust in the media. Consistent conservatives only trusted 8 media sources–compared to the 28 liberals trusted–and of the eight, only one has anything approaching respectable reporting or reliable information. And that one, the Wall Street Journal, has good straight reporting but has an op-ed page that is a train wreck of right-wing distortions and misinformation.”

Amanda Marcotte

My recent bashing of the Wall Street Journal, here. Yes, the best of their best remains a shit-show. So why is it working? How is it getting people elected? I admit that they have a rabid fan base but isn’t rabies eventually a lethal? (aka, foam at the mouth and fall the F over already, geez.)

Forging a new reality through bullshit has served them well. It’s good work if you can get it. But what does the truth about anything matter when lies are rewarded with Congressional seats? Of course, our Foxeteer friends would say the midterms were some kind of vindication, but for what? Doesn’t vindication imply being somehow vindicated? I guess not. Who knew? Are they being vindicated for a 7% approval rating in Congress? Someone may thank me someday for my insights—or not—but the only thing I’m sure about is our future selves will never thank a republican. Ever. At least not this current 21st century, batshit variety (CBV).

I am a little annoyed that Obama wouldn’t do those fireside-style chats I suggested long ago, here. He tried to stay above the fray and you can only do that for so long. Obama didn’t explain shit the way he should have, certainly in part because anything he said would have been used against him. But the negatives associated with not speaking outweighed any positives See: would-be Senator Grimes in Kentucky. I understand why that poor woman couldn’t utter the name Obama. Where she’s from that’s a bad idea. Of course, they have one of the best ACA exchanges, “Because it’s better than that there Obamacare!” And, Obama if finally attacking coal, which they apparently use to keep their lungs warm. Regardless, Obama should have shown some balls and exposed these troglodytes for what they are. Pssst, what are troglodytes again? Didn’t they do Wild Thing?

Meanwhile, post the midterms, the rest of the world is still trying to pick their collective jaws off the ground:

“Many of us Canadians are confused by the U.S. midterm elections. Consider, right now in America, corporate profits are at record highs, the country’s adding 200,000 jobs per month, unemployment is below 6%, U.S. gross national product growth is the best of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) countries. The dollar is at its strongest levels in years, the stock market is near record highs, gasoline prices are falling, there’s no inflation, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years, U.S. oil imports are declining, U.S. oil production is rapidly increasing, the deficit is rapidly declining, and the wealthy are still making astonishing amounts of money.”

A baffled Canadian (as found on The Dish)

What the rest of the world doesn’t understand is that The United States of Andromeda has seceded from this planetary system. We don’t have to live here anymore and, if the republicans do find a way to win in 2016, it will become even more painfully obvious…uh, except to them. you see, there’s that virus in their heads and it’s not going anywhere. It will pat their hand and say it’s not your fault. It wasn’t dumb wars or dumb economics that killed America, it was…

“Wielding a gun that was smuggled back into the country originally from the Fast & Furious scandal, Obamacare jumped over The White House fence and shot our economy in the head.”

—John Q. Reptilican

Remember, peeps, post that R collapse, there’s a few billion other people in the world who aren’t going to have a clue what the hell you’re talking about. With a republican president in 2016, it will be very interesting to see two parallel universes crash right into each other like sumo wrestlers with acromegaly. Never order that.

On the good side, every exchange with another world leader will become spoof news gold! I may lose my shirt, but I will not lose my dignity. Oh, I’m being told my pants are going too. Never mind. A reptilican president will have to deal with so many poor misguided folks across the globe who are still burdened with something called reality.

Dear Reptilicans,

What are you so mad about? Is it because you’re working again? Making too much money on the stock market? Is having less of your children dead or injured due to unnecessary wars too much of a burden? Is it having the greatest decrease in the deficit to GDP ratio in our nation’s history too fiscally sound for fiscal conservatives? Are recoveries really worse than depressions? Is it too distasteful allowing people to have choices that you don’t agree with in this land of the free? Or, are you mad that healthcare costs finally dropped for the first time in decades? Oh, I know…it’s because you or someone you love is now insured, right? …you know, death panels.

Who am I kidding…it’s BENNNNGHAZI!!!!!!!!!!


Ben G. Hazi

P.S. Whoever eventually usurps this shit-show called America is going to try to save and study the brains of reptilicans for…oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in research.

Whereas it’s true the Dems couldn’t or wouldn’t articulate their successes, this is only part of the story. The real nasty bits of this Scheissgeist involves the deliberate creation of an alternate universe—a world I am now forced to reside. Oh rapture!

So dare I drink the Kool-Aid too? Should I just relax and enjoy the show from my virtual window seat, here at the Blog at the end of the universe? Some folks are saying that with republicans running both houses of Congress it will force them to become adults. Whoever said that—uh, I can’t find the link right now—but that statement is the best argument to keep weed illegal. What are you basing this on? (cough, cough….uh, cough, Twinkie). Oh, and speaking of raptures, if the rapture occurs immediately following the next republican-caused economic collapse, and I’m stuck here, I’m going all Old Testament on a certain cloud-hanging bearded donning somna—

[Last sentence edited by GOD]

God doesn’t seem to understand the 1st Amendment either. Imagine that.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.