Big Island, HI—As thousands of residents flee their homes on Hawaii’s Big Island, state officials are moving to legal action. Hawaii has filed a class action lawsuit against the suspected culprit, Pele, the Goddess of Fire from their mythological pantheon. Many believe she is behind the recent array of unwarranted magma and earthquakes. Hawaii Civil Defense has come to a different conclusion. They report giant boulders being tossed around, massive ash plumes, toxic gases and dangerous lava flows that may have originated from a badly monitored luau.
Governor David Yutaka Ige said, “We understand that our island chain was originally formed by volcanism, but now people live here, so we are demanding the Goddess of Fire stand down and that all volcanic and seismic activity in the region cease immediately.” The Governor went on to suggest the goddess should, “spend more of her time creating new islands, instead of screwing up the ones that are already here.”
In support of the Hawaiian Governor, Donald Trump said, “If little Miss Fire and Fury doesn’t cease and desist, my generals will bomb the shit out of that bitch. My new guy, Bolton, hasn’t been able to blow anything up yet, and he’s itching for a fight.”
The president later tweeted:
Those close to the president claim he’s kind of jazzed about the potential opportunity to fire a Fire Goddess.