Titties and Jesus

Tony Ballz

How many times have you seen this? A supermodel or pop star or actress is attending some Hollywood hoo-ha dressed in her best chest-baring gown. I mean, her breasts are RIGHT THERE in everyone’s faces. There’s no missing ’em. Even Stevie Wonder is all, “Damn, girl!”

And what is she wearing on a chain around her neck, dangling oh-so-enticingly inside that cleavage you could stick the Sunday paper in? Why, it’s THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, suffering and dying for your sins on his cross, which is located … right between the titties. Heaven, as it were.

Now, for those atheists, agnostics, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, recovering Catholics (like myself) and other heathens out there, this pageantry doesn’t mean jack. We’re too mesmerized by the boobs to notice her choice of jewelry. But what if you’re a Christian who staunchly believes in this religion? What kind of message is this sending?

“Hey bud, check out these fantastic titties! Buuuuut … JESUS IS WATCHING YOU! JEEEESUS IS WAAAATCHING YOOOUUUU! GUILT! SIN! AAAAGH! I’m sorry, My Savior … but … titties! Can’t … stop … looking … at … NO! EVIL! SIN! GUILT! TITTIES/JESUS, JESUS/TITTIES! I’M SO CONFUSED!”

Leave it to those goldarned Christians to torture themselves over sex, one of the most healthy and (dare I say it) normal urges owned by humans. You might as well feel guilty about being hungry, then hit the confessional right after dinner. “I’m sorry, Father … the food was just sitting there and I … I HAD to eat it! Oh help me, Lord!”

But it’s not just the followers of J.C. that are affected by this quaint superstition: we are an entire nation of prudes. European network TV has been showing nudity since the 1970s! Over here, Janet Jackson flashes her 37-year-old nipple and everyone goes apeshit.

“Oh my God, it’s a WOMAN’S BREAST! The most filthy, disgusting, vile abomination on Earth! Children, avert your eyes!”

More than prudishness, we are victims of The Big Tease, the one that doesn’t deliver. Ever wonder how a fine Amurrican Christian Republican good-ol-boy douchenozzle like Billy Ray Cyrus can allow his 14-year-old daughter to act like a slut on national television? The Big Tease. “Sex is OK honey, as long as you promise them something they will never get.”

“How dare you think such impure thoughts! That girl is a child! Evil! Sin! Guilt!”

“But … titties!”

Ever wonder why Disney productions like High School Musical feature hot actresses in their early 20s portraying teens? The Big Tease. “Hey sweetie, bet no one in your high school looked like THIS, hmm?” Girl, there aren’t teenagers ANYWHERE who look like that, you’re 23.

“For shame! She’s supposed to be in 12th grade! What kind of an ogre are you?”

“But … titties!”

Christians are into sex, just not that messy orgasm part.

Sexual frustration greases the wheels of our economy (at least it’s greasing something, ba-dum ch!). See, the Puritans didn’t want you to even THINK about sex, but Christians sure do, so they can hook you with The Big Tease and pour on the guilt and keep you coming back for more because you just can’t help yourself, you naughty sinner you. It’s as American as hair pie … er, apple pie.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Selena Gomez.

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