Top 500 and Why I am Involving a Lawyer

Mick Zano

I never much cared for the top ten type list thingies, of course, on a related note, Humor has The Discord handily beating The Onion, but, then again, only eight people voted this month and seven of them were me.  This post is critical of’s top 500 classic rock songs of all time.  Just to set the record straight, I only pointed out the things that reeeaallly pissed me off…

There was only one pre-established rule for this little jaunt into the world of rock & roll, I tried to leave The Beatles out of it.  Granted, I don’t always agree with the Fab Four’s deification, but seeing as how they invented the shit and all…  I know, I know, I’m part of the problem—a view shared by professors, bosses, ex-girlfriends, and law enforcement officials throughout my life—but, sorry, The Beatles are the real untouchables, except maybe Ringo.  Oh, and I left Phil Collins out as well; I picked on him way too much in this recent gem.

Let’s start out with the thing that jumped out at me first.  It involves the band REM.  Or is it R.E.M? Are they an acronym?  I don’t even know.  If they are, I would go with Really Easily Mimicked. My cover band learned how to do Stand in about 15 minutes and we don’t even play instruments.  When I saw REM’s Losing My Religion ranked 74 out of 500 (er, that’s #74 out of rocks best of the best), I almost lost my lunch.  Oh, that’s me in the corner, alright…I’m puking. It’s the end of the top 500 has we know it, and I don’t really feel fine.

Leonard Bernstein!

Van Halen’s Jump came in it at #64?  Will you still be sending me a Valentine?  Oh, right, leave The Beatles out of this… But Jump?  I think every song on Diamond Dave’s solo album from hell, beats friggin’ Jump!  Remember what songs Jump jumped over on this extravaganza: Joe Walsh’s Rocky Mountain Way comes to mind, not to mention almost every Doors song known to man.  Really?  If David Lee Roth were alive to see this, he would… Oh, sorry Dave.

Paul McCartney Baby I’m Amazed is ranked 70th… Hey, Paul, maybe I’m amazed you can… Oh wait…is he covered under the no fucking with Beatles clause (NFingw/BC)?  Hmmm. 

Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire made the cut.  I know, miscategorized to all get out, but who complains when that song comes on in a bar? It’s about the only country song that deserves to be there! Love is a burning thing…especially with what’ser name.  It burns, burns, burns…so I went to the clinic.  And as for love, I soon became a cynic.  I’m pretty sure those are the lyrics.  Holy shit!  I am at a bar called Cuvee writing this piece and the guy is playing Ring of Fire live, right now.  Technically, I was working ahead of this part but only by a couple of paragraphs.

OK, this next live song is Black Water, a Doobie song, not the movie, which…wait for it, happens to come in at #205.  Wow, this is very interactive (well, for me). 

The Bee Gees’ Staying Alive came in at #167.  Now this one is in the wrong category…AND THERE IS NO REASON IN DISCO, AND ON EARTH, FOR THIS ATROCITY!! Have I mentioned this shit is higher than Rocky Mountain Way?

“I’d like to hear some funky Dixie land, pretty momma gonna take me by the hand.”  Oh, and Staying Alive beat this Doobie’s song.

Back to the post. Michael Jackson’s Beat It came in at #156.  Admittedly, MJ’s philosophy got me through some dry spells in college, but really?  156???

This might seem like a small point, but Golden Earring’s Radar Love (#71) should not beat their Twilight Zone by this much (#499).  Rod Serling is turning over in his grave—well , that might be for other reasons.  Mwahahahhaha!

Oh, my god…this dude just lost me.  He’s singing Over the F-ing Rainbow.  I’m not making this up.  I’m going to take a wild stab and say this song is not one of rock & roll’s top 500.  I think I’ll save myself the Google search. He just went over the rainbow, alright…not to mention over the cuckoo’s nest.  Sure I’ll be singing along with you, dude, after about ten more beers, but only if you’re buying. 

I’m not so proud of the fact CCR’s version of Proud Mary checked in at #22.  Let’s be clear here, it’s not because I don’t like CCR, frankly, it’s about the only song of theirs I don’t like…and it’s a cover!  I have two words for you people, Born on the Bayou (the two little words don’t count).

One of the biggest disappointments in this top ten list thingie is this: over the years, Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb has moved down to #61? Sixty one?  Sure Pink isn’t well…after reading that

OK, this guy playing live hasn’t gotten more than a clap or two for the whole set and everyone is now clapping for some Over the Rainbow.  Actually isn’t that verb?  It is the way I do it.  Well, time to finish my beer.  Even when I was a kid I always thought, All Along the Watchtower and Baba O’Reilly beat out Layla and Stairway to Heaven, now they are even further apart—in the wrong direction!  This paragraph is further proof of the Flynn Effect.  Of course, Stairway came in at number one, as if it’s some unbreakable rule.  Again, I love Zep, but come on…

Abba’s Dancing Queen was in there, but I refuse to say where, because each time I think about it a little vomit kicks up into my throat.  Mama Mia, alright! Ultimately, my chief complaint comes down to this: where the hell are The Monkees in this R&R soiree?!  I am no longer a believer.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.