New Technology Lets Blind See Porn

Erisa Brahe

We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet.  While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand. 

However, there’s hope on the tech horizon future as prosthetics developer, Second Sight, announced they have received FDA approval of the Argus II, a bionic retinal implant that has allowed blind patients to see again.  Now you can honestly tell your children, “Yes, you can become a Geordi La Forge-Jason Russell Hybrid when you grow up.”

As interest in wearable technology increases, Google has already announced that it is developing a set of augmented reality glasses, which would allow the wearer to surf the web and complete other mobile computing with just their eyes.  Dubbed Google Glass, their CEO has already apologized for future cross-eyed children, failed college classes, and vehicular damage caused when motorists “Surf and Drive.” 

However, we at the Discord are looking even farther down the road.  Coupled with Google Glasses, recipient of the Argus II implant have the potential to surf the web at any time.  Stuck in a business meeting?  Play Angry Birds with your eyes.   Stuck making small talk with an annoying person?  Bring up Redtube.  They’ll be none the wiser unless you have tightfitting pants.  Those with the Cyber Sight could even web surf in their sleep.  Ride the Poptart Cat Rainbow in your dreams or let your subconscious become the start of its very own porno. The only limit is your own imagination and all the 404 error pages out there!

Of course while you are skull-fucking, the possibility of plugging any part of your brain to the internet creates the opportunity of cranial cyber-attack.  You don’t want to open the wrong file on Piratebay and then end up bringing something home to your wife.  The potential for these Cyber STDs (CSTDs) could be disastrous. HD VD? How is anyone going to be able to read any Discord articles if worms and trojans are taking up all available memory, downloading random things into your brain, or causing a total system shutdown?

Luckily, technology may be able to save us there as well.  According to images recently leaked from the US Patents office, Apple may be developing a watch-like mobile device.   Unofficially, named the iWatch by many Apple fans, this technology can finally allow us to have those Dick Tracy wristwatches we’ve been saving all those box tops for since the 50s.  Coupled with microchip technology, the iWatch has the potential to monitor the wearer’s vitals, including blood sugar, cholesterol levels, and sperm count.  It could detect a heart attack as its happening, bringing up helpful apps to help you update your will, count down the time you have left, and contact the priest, shaman or holy person of your choice.

The Discord has already claimed the trademarks to the iWill, iPriest, iYig, and iDeath apps…well, they would have but they had to go to the virtual pharmacy mall for some cyber ointment.

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