Jupiter has recently lost its south equatorial belt after just 5 months on the new “South Belt Diet” (SBD). Experts report that Jupiter has lost over 330,000 km of belt in just over 140 days (that’s over 5.2 billion belt holes to you and me!).
When asked what inspired him to make such drastic life changes, Jupiter said, “Two words, bitches: Kevin Smith. I don’t want something like that to happen to me.”
In late 2009, after many years of self-doubt and lamenting, Jupiter stepped out of the public eye and checked into one of the Universe’s premier weight loss institutions for planets. Earlier this week, Jupiter emerged from the clinic a new planet—a leaner and meaner planet, ready to face the world.
In a press conference today, Jupiter had this to say, “I was tired of being described as the largest planet in the Solar System. I was always teased as a kid by the other planets. They’d say things like “you’re so fat you have your own solar system,” or they’d call me “Two-piter.” And how would you like to be categorized as the largest gas giant? Jovian planet, my ass. Pluto was the worst. I was glad when the little shit was downgraded to a dwarf planet. One of these days, one of these days, Pluto…bang, zoom, to the Ort Cloud! They even have a scientific name for me; they call me an oblate spheroid, because of the massive bulge around my equator. Well, what are you going to call me now, you lab-coat-wearing bastards!”
“Anyway, now I feel much better. I have a lot more energy. I’m looking good and I’m ready to bear it all. Thanks to my SBD plan, I’m not embarrassed of my shape anymore. In fact, I may even cast off a couple smaller satellites in order to celebrate!”
Jupiter does admit to being a little self conscious about the bruise where Shoemaker-Levy 9 blasted his outer atmospheric layers in 1994, and despite consistent dermatological appointments and ointments his big red spot remains, quite big and quite red.
“But overall, I feel great. Besides, I might just have my largest moon, Ganymede, hover over the thing when the next NASA probe swings by. The bitch owes me.”
When Saturn was asked if he would follow Jupiter’s lead in displaying his heavenly body, Saturn had this to say, “Are you nuts? If I lose too much weight, my great ring could slip right the fuck off! If that fat slob of a planet wants to expose himself, that’s his business. Me, I’m going to turn the other hemisphere.”
Venus offered to give Jupiter a free makeover in order “to take full advantage of his new look.”
Uranus and Neptune both commented on Jupiter’s backside view and said, “he’s looking fine.”
Mars shouted obscenities, “I kicked your ass when you were a fat slob, and I’ll kick it again now! If it weren’t for that damned asteroid belt, I would come over there and beat the methane out of you!”
Mercury was in too much of a hurry to comment, and Earth was too sick and anemic to comment beyond a couple of weak coughs, followed by the spitting up some petroleum products.
Jupiter stated that he’s petitioning the Sun for a new contract deal and is seeking compensation for his 5 month absence. The Sun responded with an angry solar flare that disrupted television signals all over Earth. It then threatened to supernova if Jupiter didn’t shut the hell up and get back in orbit.