Philadelphia, PA – Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.
“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap. I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”
Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer. The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.
When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”
Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.
“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers? Well, that movie was on last week. I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either. Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out. Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”
Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.
“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”
When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow. Did he have Eagles? Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”