Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.
People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, “Take that, you fucker!”
And then Jesus said unto him, “Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time.”
The statue then burst into flames and melted.
One witness claims Jesus said, “I’m melting, I’m melting,” but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming “way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me.”
When asked why he did it, Zeus said, “It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro.”
Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.
“My father, Cronus, was a real asshole. The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things. You just don’t get over that…”
When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, “Jesus had it coming. That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny.”