The Patriotard Menace: A Crank Rebuttal

Mick Zano

Listen up patriorards…oh wait, so you all put on your thinking caps, this is a Fox News Alert! There, now that I have your undivided attention: the Bush legacy is inextricably linked to the Sarah Palin Phenomenon (SPP). The only reason I mentioned Bush was to segue to the stupidity yet to come. A vote for Bush Part Deux and then supporting Sarah Palin is not a position, it’s a diagnosis. Doing the same thing over-and-over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Dr. Killpatient, have the Thorazine ready. I am appalled that the same people who voted for Bush, twice, are enthusiastically supporting his female counterpart to set things right in 2012. I am even more appalled that we’re talking about nearly half the country. I never said you were alone, Goomis, it’s just that you should be. As the “mental health professional” in the room with over six years of bachelor level education, when really it was only 5 ½ years, exaggerator, going from Bush to Palin is like divorcing your first husband for beating you and then marrying that sweet hunky guy down the street, who immediately starts beating you! As my domestic violence therapist oftensays, your picker is broken. But that’s OK. These things are fixable, but the first step in the healing process is recognizing the problem. This isn’t just a post, peeps, it’s an intervention.

Crank, there’s very little I can argue with in your last post, because you consistently misrepresent my position. With one notable exception: “Mick, you really haven’t actually read any of her (Sarah Palin’s) stuff, have you?”

She can write?!

Sadly, the Fox News ideological pattern is neurological and it seems We the People have suffered from some kind of society-wide stroke recently. From the psychiatric perspective, the neococoon certainly is anti-social, neurotic, and stress inducing (like Midget Reiki). What we are witnessing is the Hannitization of the Republican base. Facts and logic have no place here. Only facts that back their own ideology are viewable from the reason-twisted depths of the neococoon. Patriotards hate the alternative so much that they will follow any Tom, Dick or Sarah that is believed indigenous of “Real America.” In one of my articles, I discussed how the human mind is easily tricked (again and again).

  • Fact: our minds are easily duped by any semi-talented media spin meister.
  • Fact: we should be on the lookout for this in the future, because the media has completely tanked.
  • Fact: you’re not getting it yet.

Here’s the even sadder part. History goes in cycles because eventually people forget the mistakes they once made and, oops, history repeats itself. What is stunning these days is this: people don’t even realize they made the mistake in the first place. So now, presto, we can avoid all those pesky decades of reform and make the same mistake six to eight seconds later. Here’s how it works: some talking head puts the dirty laundry on the spin cycle and we, as a society, are ready to lock-and-load a few minutes later with Bad Idea: Part Deux.

Enter Sarah “I really don’t know a hell of a lot” Palin. How does one penetrate this bubble of non-reality? This is all deeply disturbing to me, like my friend Shag.

Hey, let’s play a game. Name one credible conservative pundit that…

Oh, a hard game.

Now, now, let’s name a credible conservative pundit who has been right about something in the last decade. …

This game sucks! I don’t want to play.

Wait, here’s the clincher. Name one of those four conservatives left standing that thinks Sarah Palin is a viable candidate in the near future?

You mean, there aren’t any?! So she’s sooo poorly qualified that her profound lack of experience, credibility, and smarts has even pierced the impossibly thick exoskeleton of the neococoon?

You mean to tell me, no dems, no independents, no one from any other county on the planet, and *gasp* no credible Republican thinks she’s a viable candidate? What about David Frum? George Will? Andrew Sullivan? Christopher Hitchens? Heck, even your own hero, Charles Krauthammer, thinks Palin’s a joke.

So how, according to the latest Rasmussen poll, are 42% of the population of the United States of Dysphasia even less informed than the people with Terminally Wrong Syndrome (TWS)? Hmmmm. Oh, that’s right, a few conservative propaganda experts are still grinding out those 24 hour snooze cycles that are somehow successfully downloaded directly into the brainpans of the patriotards.

Now, I admit, Palin is getting a raw deal. This poor woman was thrust into the limelight by this crazy old coot, who, incidentally, stopped making sense several years ago. But couldn’t that also explain the George W. Bush story?

Thanks a bunch Herbert Walker Texas Deranger and John McCognitive Decline.

The Democrats suck, but they’ll be out of power in no time because, say what you want about those liberatards, they won’t vote in a total asshole twice. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice………………..we won’t get fooled again.

At least the dems went into this round with two of their star pupils (sad as that may be).

On the other hand, here is the vetting process from the neococoon in its entirety:

Raise your right hand if you love America.

OK, great.

Raise your right hand if you think the world is 6,000 years old

Great, you’re in.

What’s not to love?

Your quote: “the thought that if you are conservative, religious and value all human life you can’t be taken seriously is flawed in every sense.” I agree. That was the whole point of my last article. Thank you for summing up my point. You can take off the Hannity filter any time now. You are free to move about the cabin. Newsflash: conservatives have some important ideas and represent a valuable perspective, but the problem is, it’s been hijacked by morons. One’d think you’d notice.

I’m really crossing my fingers this point sinks in. Here it goes: it’s not about your views, Crank, and never has been; it’s about your unswerving ability to hire third-graders to champion your views.

Yes, Fox is huge, which is, once again, my point. They are the quintessential bottom feeders. Why are they so big? Not a great sign for the future. Liberals don’t have to like Air America either. They are both ideology driven, only Air America has four viewers and Fox has half the country. And, your quote “maybe he (Obama) should leave office now.” Are you kidding? You and the Foxers cheered on the worst president in history for nearly eight years. In six months, I am already greatly disappointed with Obama. You see, I use something called independent thought. You should try it some time.

And, like you, I believe smart people and patriotic people should not be mutually exclusive categories. It’s just that, these days, you can’t seem to be both (at least not on TV). I am basing this on observations. You see, one of the most crucial things about humanity in this day and age is a concept Freud called Reality Function, which stresses independent observation and the importance of rising above societal-based inherited patterns. One does this by eliminating all of those pesky preconceptions that muddle independent thought.

The one thing we must teach our children is the value of independent thought (which is on the endangered list, by the way). Yes, the shadow sign of green is often psychotic and troubling, but there is no better measuring stick for this failure of Freud’s Reality Function than those 42 percent of our country ready to forget what brought this country to its knees a few short months ago and vote for the only person who clearly represents Bush’s third term, Sarah “what does this red button do?” Palin.

I do agree with the Crank that Bill Maher is wrong. America isn’t stupid, just hopelessly misguided. OK, it isn’t as simple as that. The Flynn Effect, the theory that discovered that we, as a species, get 3 IQ points smarter each generation, has finally screeched to a halt. Does that mean we’re all stupid as Maher asserts? I wouldn’t put it as bluntly as him, because I’m trying to sarcastically salve society, not overtly fuck with it. I am still rooting for this bunch, thus the tragic optimist plug at the top of this website. The fact remains, America’s IQ may be dropping for the first time this century. Is that related to the Fox News phenomenon?

Things that make you go, hmmmmm.

Crank, you do an awesome job dismantling ‘green,’ and I encourage you to continue the good fight. And I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph, but please, for crying out loud, turn that same critical eye toward the heaping pile of shit in your corner of the room. The other night while listening to Fox talk about ‘The Obama culture of corruption,’ I couldn’t help but think, “there’s alcohol of some sort in my Listerine, isn’t there?”

Sure the corruption they were talking about is probably true (hint: Obama is a politician), but these days there are at least five Republican scandals for every one Democratic scandal. That is math we can believe in. But, as I have come to understand, this doesn’t make any sense to the neococoon and invariably falls on deaf ears. You see, they are a binary bunch: good/bad, liberatard/not liberatard, right/wrong, American/anti-American, terrorist/not terrorist.

I know, I know, does not compute, ignore, Warning, Will Robinson, Danger, Danger!

Geez, wasn’t changing the patriotard’s perspective one of Hercules’ labors? I think it was right before he diverted that river and right after he wrestled that giant squid.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.