Zano’s Real Fox News Blogathon: Why My Wife Insists I Switch Back to Porn
(Part 1)

Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ – A few weeks ago the family had the flu, so I was stuck playing Florence Nightingale (any excuse to dress up like a nurse, really).  Trapped with the sneezy twins, I decided to try watching Fox News all day, or at least as much as I could stomach.  As the Crank asserts, the media needs to be critical and questioning of each administration—be the “thorn in their side”, as he put it, which is why I’ve gone from 20 to nearly 30 minutes of Fox News viewing per week (with frequent mental health breaks involving microbrews).  As it turns out, Fox is fun and educational!  Fine, it’s neither…but, I was trapped, and the only Netflix in the house were High School Musical and the second season of Sanctuary.  Women…

From 2001 to 2008 there was no need for Fox News to be a ‘thorn in the side’ of anyone, because W. was so flawless and all.  The blind spot of these folks would be laughable, had it not gone and wrecked the country.  For all the Crank’s bitching about the liberal media, they’ve done nothing compared to Fox’s single-handedly reelecting Incurious George.  But with the liberal media now borrowing from the Fox playbook, it becomes increasingly imperative a legitimate conservative news source emerges.  Fact: Fox is just not going to improve.  What would be their incentive?  Hordes of patriotards are hanging on their every turd.  The Fox-eteers are invariably wrong on a wide range of topics.  Put another way: if I made 4,289 predictions in the last decade and only eight of them came to pass, well, I’ve just described Bill Krystol’s career.  Fox News has discovered that they don’t need facts anymore, they can say or spin anything without fear of losing anyone from their bat shit base.  (Hint: they cover the eight things they got right to death, and they spin the shit out of the other 4,281 issues.)

I don’t think it’s horribly patriotic to wish either side bottoms out completely.  A healthy government means a healthy debate, but bad choice after bad choice after bad choice has brought the Republican’s to some dire straights.  No longer can they get their money for nothing and their chicks for free.

The Crank brags how Fox is number one in cable news, but that’s not a badge of honor, it’s a symptom. I want to debate Christopher Hitchens, not Ann friggin’ Coulter.  I protested on Shock and Awe day, but, after listening to Hitch for just a few minutes even I want to go bomb Baghdad again (just for fun).  He eloquently defends the indefensible.  He presents a logical rationale for the War on Terror.  He is above the seventh grade, glass ceiling of the ‘Fox News All Stars’ (which is precisely why they have absolutely no use for him). 

Here we go…now Fox is covering the scrapping of the F-22s.  All morning they ‘forgot’ to point out that no one in the military was defending the continuation of the F-22 program.  They never mentioned that the defense secretary himself (the same one under Bush) said they were obsolete.  They just pandered to the defense contractors and the few congressmen who had job losses in their districts.

They concluded the segment with “We Are Now Wide Open for Attack.”  

Sleep well America…

To keep with their ‘Obama sucks on defense’ theme, the next show talked about Obama’s scrapping of the missile defense system in Eastern Europe.  Of course, they failed to mention that, 150 billion dollars and several decades later, we never did get a workable weapon (and the Crank makes fun of my college career?).  

Throughout the segment the, supposedly left-leaning, host ended the interview by saying, “Oh, and with this program gone it leaves the east coast completely vulnerable to attack.”  As if a dysfunctional weapons system in Poland would help us how?

Sleep well America…

[Fox News: brought to you buy Ambien CR]

In reality, the most significant Al-Qaeda threat since 911 was foiled under Obama.  The Bush incidents were, for the most part, all fabricated Fox nonsense (FFN).  A bunch of kids playing with matches with hardly any contact at all with any real terrorists.  Two real terrorists with real attainable plans were busted lasted month by the FBI.   Several key Al-Qaeda leaders in Afghanistan and Pakistan have recently been introduced to Allah via successful Predator Drone attacks.  What Obama plans for Iran is up for grabs.  Afghanistan would be fine if we could just go back in time eight years to when we had a real coalition, some cash, and some credibility.  We took Kabul eight years ago and haven’t done a whole lot there since.  Nothing is easy right about now.  I think Afghanistan will be a failed state whether we dump another trillion into it or not.  Biden has a point.  Eight years ago we had a full deck of cards, but Bush has left us with one joker.  In fact, I think he’s still our economic czar. 

And finally someone has placed the U.S. in the position to mediate between Palestine and Israel.  Obama hasn’t abandoned Israel; he’s simply shifted to the middle. You know, so he can mediate.  Sorry, I realize we’re approaching High School level thought processes now.

Back to the blogathon:

Fox News has referenced ‘czars’ several dozen times during my hiatus from logical thinking.

After a gazillion czar references, some Fox commentator asked, “Is the media ignoring the czar controversy?”

Well, let’s see…Maddow and Olbermann over on MSNBC discuss it every night and you guys, number one and all, mention it every other sentence, so I’m guessing one could make the argument NO, the topic has NOT been ignored by the media

OK, honestly, I only watched Fox for about an hour and half that day, and quite intermittently (did I mention I had rented High School Musical?).  But stay tuned for the exciting sequel…

Wait, Winslow wants more of a cliffhanger ending:

Mick Zano, upon hearing some Foxite call this mess “the Bush Recovery,” went on a bloody killing spree through downtown Phoenix.  Upon discharging round after round, eyewitnesses claim to have heard Zano saying, “Grog is great!”

(Stay tuned)

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.