Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night. Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins. Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof. Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.
A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, “A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight.”
Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, “The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K.”
Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, “Dildo Bugger, heh, heh. That’s fucking great!”
In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again. He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief. Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing. The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.
“I can’t imagine what could have happened to him,” said Glandheaver.