Sanders To Equally Distribute Campaign Contributions To Other Candidates

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 17:  Senate Budget Committee ranking member and presidential candidate U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) (L) delivers opening remarks duing a committee hearing in the Dirksen Senate Office Building on Capitol Hill June 17, 2015 in Washington, DC. The committe heard testimony from Congressional Budget Office Director Keith Hall who said that federal debt would climb to over 100-percent of the total GDP by 2040 without major spending course correction.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

 Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.

Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.

Speaking of which, Starbuck baristas split their tips equally at the end of each shift, so I may yet divert some campaign donations to purchase a coffee there. I can do that right? I think the Supremes made that legal in Citizens Caffeinated. I’ll have to check on that. Hey, for going up against the Clinton Machine I at least deserve an F-ing coffee!”

If elected, Sanders also plans to split his Presidential salary with everyone on welfare, which Paul Krugman estimates to be approximately .2 cents per person. “I know you can’t do a lot today with .2 cents today, but…oh, I just can’t do it. I had a prepared joke about throwing in my .2 cents, but I just can’t. Moving forward, Zano is not going to write any more jokes for my campaign. He’s kind of a douche. No coffee for you!”


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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.