Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag

Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

I’m the new rabble, damn it, and I’m about to release my own flying Transcosmetic monkeys! So how does one get all the Homers of the world to agree with all the Mr. Burnses of the world on every issue, every time?  Apparently Rupert Murdoch started by gradually shifting all of his media outlets toward a single message.  Soylent Green, it’s people!  OK, not that message, but the premise involves keeping the rich richer and keeping the wealth funneling to approximately seven people—all the while rallying against the dangers of socialism. But they can’t pull that off, it’s ridiculous.  Oh, but they have.  This has been my clarion call; it’s the story within the story of our time.  We do need a revolution, it’s just they started the wrong one.  Your average Foxeteer is now trained to ignore the intruder entering the living room and will, instead, immediately start barking at a nearby lamp. They always misidentify the worst culprits and attack the ACORNS of the world.  Here’s the breakdown:

  • Government is the worst! So let’s blindly support Wall Street.
  • Obama is the worst!  So let’s elect the next Bush.
  • Socialism is the worst! So let’s ignore neo-fascism and the dismantling of the rule of law.
  • MSNBC is the worst! So let’s watch something fair and balanced.
  • George Soros is the worst!  So let’s support the Koch Brothers.
  • Some Global Warming data is doctored!  So gut regs and embrace pollution.
  • Educated people are cunning and shifty!  So let’s elect a dumb person.
  • Unions got greedy!  So our corporate overlords are demanding our return to the sweat shop.
  • Obama’s deficits are the worst!  So let’s not raise the debt ceiling and default as a country.

This is the ideology on the right.  I’m not making this up.  This is what all Foxeteers hold as gospel.  I know the dangers on both sides of the equation and can rate them objectively. But if you look up ‘objective’ in the new Conservative Dictionary, it says: See any Fox News Talking Point.   I’m not saying the left side is wonderful, never have, but the right side of the equation is simply sicker on almost every issue.  And to stay sicker than the Dems must be no easy trick.  I still wonder what happens when a Foxeteer tries to decipher that other column.  I’m thinking it immediately transforms into a variation of Pig Latin, upportsay oxfay ewsnay

If you can’t identify which column has been more damaging to all of us…umm, you’ve missed a few memos.  And when our stocks dive next week you’ll have missed yet another one.   Can’t we all agree over the last decade, Wall Street greed has been at least as damaging to our lives as our Government?  that someone who broke us, Bush, is more culpable than someone who failed to fix us, Obama? That Adolph Hitler’s ideology is a tad nastier than Karl Marx’s? That retaining our AAA bond status is better than downgrading to Portugal?

No, we can’t even agree on these basic facts any more, because the programming runs deep.  Bush’s torture, secret prisons, and expanded executive power are overlooked so all hostility can be directed at the “monster” trying to insure more people.  An estimated 7% of our fiscal problem was the Stimulus, so let’s ignore that other 93%.   Well, that’s not fair…they’ll also look at that Fannie and Freddie number.  They add up the Dem parts real good.  Actually I think Bachmann multiplies them.  So the right will take a Hitler over a Marx any day.  And Marx is someone I could at least kickback and have a beer with.  Aren’t we supposed to elect people we want to have a beer with?  Enjoy your Seig-Ale, dipshits.

Debating a Foxeteer anymore is pointless, which is why I have officially stopped.  They are a veritable army of thought distortions.  We are two countries.  To summarize, I have spent three years trying to understand the Crank’s positions, while he has spent three years misrepresenting mine.

One side can’t agree on anything and the other side is invariably wrong on everything.  Thus I give you, dumb and dumber—one unorganized and the other delusional, or as Alan Grayson aptly called them, “the weenies and meanies.” 

Today the weenies are not nearly as dangerous as the meanies, because ‘weenie’ implies a certain flaccidity.  So let’s keep an eye on those meanies, shall we?  They have proven themselves to be the most dangerous barriers to progress.  Take the debt ceiling debacle, I have made my predictions and they will likely prove accurate regardless of which door we choose.  My predictions seem to work in the real world, while the right’s predictions…not so much.  They think as soon as we default as a country, we’ll be fine!   Hell, I shouldn’t even be addressing the rabble anymore.  Oh, I’m being told I can’t. Mr. Burns has required them to disrobe and report to the harness area. 

People had their chance to protest and they decided to be even more moronic than our Government.  Are even poorer choices really going to save us?  If you can’t look into Michele Bachmann’s eyes and think anti-psychotic medication then…OK, maybe that’s just me. 

Look, I realize we’re mired in this awful system (a system we can’t seem to break out of) but, sorry, we can’t just gut everything by next Tuesday without some serious shit hitting the fan. 

And why hasn’t anyone focused on the fact 40% of our country is…hmm, well, you can’t call them uninformed (that wouldn’t be news), but they’re deliberately misinformed.  That’s it.  They’re all misinformed by unscrupulous Mr. Burns types.  This is huge! As I have said, Hitler used a similar tactic quite effectively in the early 40s.  No.  I am not calling you Nazis…Nazis were smart. 

Hey, I have an idea.  Instead of taking a vote on every political decision facing this country (hint: you’re the least likely faction who should be considering such a strategy), let’s take surveys from those professionals who are actually experts on the subject.  What a concept!  Why is no one, on either side, doing that?  Conspiracy theory anyone?  Each group will only talk to those “experts” who already support their position.  

As for those surveys, why not take a survey like this: 86 out of 100 economists think defaulting next week is a bad idea.  Is that so f-ing difficult?  That’s probably about right too, but why do I have to guess?  Do I really care what a hundred Crank’s think?  Even for my own global warming posts, if we really wanted to know the truth, shouldn’t we be asking what X-amount of climatologists think?  Some data is doctored, some suspicious, who do we ask to sort through this…Glenn Beck?  Frankly, I don’t care what a Foxetologist thinks, because thinking is not their forte. 

Let me explain the depth of their delusion.  I say, “I don’t really know what the fuck is happening with the climate.”  This is translated as “you’re wrong, global warming is a hoax.”  Get the point?  About 40% of our population won’t get that last point.  They’ve made up their minds.  After being spoon-fed nonstop propaganda, they think they know everything.   Ill-informed unite, form of Tea Bag. 

This is what we’re currently getting from the media:

Poll 1: 90% of everyone who watches Sean Hannity thinks Sean is right.

Poll 2: 90% of everyone who watches Rachel Maddow thinks Rachel is right. 

Wow, that’s really helpful.  As for the Foxaganda watch, Sully is finally there.  It took him a while:

The difference is that even biased media outlets of any type tend to draw the line at disseminating untruths and never correcting them (as Jon Stewart has amply demonstrated). That’s why I don’t put Fox in the category of biased media. It is, rather, propaganda, which is always indifferent to the truth, because its ultimate allegiance is to power.

Andrew Sullivan

I had originally broken down the responsibility for our collective demise to 65% R and 35% D. That’s about as kind as I could be to Bushies.  History will likely be a tad harsher, but my numbers will shift to about 80% R if we default on Tuesday.  Eighty percent…and they’re angry?   Sorry, it’s been tough to focus on those liberal shortcomings because, just when you do, the right tries to default the country.  I guess they need attention.   They need something.  Bush was President on November of 2008, when we all lost our shirts, now the same loonies are forcing the double dip?  Hang on, a double dip will validate another one of my predictions.  Whoo hoo!  Bring it.  Oh, that’s right, being correct about shit doesn’t mean anything anymore.  So much for the consolation prize.  Isn’t the Right supposed to be filled with the greedy, money hungry types?  Yeah, lower the country’s bond rating, that’ll help.

A final note to the Foxeteers:

I have decided to give up pseudo-journalism to pursue a life of transcendental meditation.  Your points five years ago, or five years from now, are about as equally noxious and inaccurate.  Only you refuse to look back and learn anything from your mistakes, so this Zen-journalism or living in the wrong is interesting…er, if you’re the Ghetto Shaman.    As I continue to warn our country about potential pitfalls and as you all continue to encourage us to jump in feet first, uh, well…did I mention I’m resuming a life of meditation?  Ohmmmmmmm.

So just follow the Foxeteers into the pit.  It’ll be fine.  Ohmmmmm.  All tension is a reflection of internal struggles projected onto the outside world.  Ohmmmmmmm.  Oh, shit!  Never mind that shit…Mr. Burns is releasing the flying Medveds.   

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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