Why I Still Hate Phil Collins and Other Musical Observations

Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, but in this case it works.  Phil Collins almost single-bandedly ruined the early eighties for me—well, him and what’s her face.  Living on Long Island then, there was a time in my life I could get all these wonderful rock stations like WPLJ, WRCN, and WBAB.  But, in the 80s, at any given time ALL of them could be playing a Phil Collins song.  And, on a really bad day, it could be the same Phil Collins song!

I heard One More Night the other night and, all these years later, I still thought what was the fascination?  To put things into context, back in the 80s those invisible airwaves were crackling with life. There was Floyd, Zeppelin, The Who, even the Beatles weren’t that old then.   So what in the rock god’s name were people thinking when they decided to give real rock a miss and slip in endless Genesis and Phil Collins tracks?  It was like that Sesame Street bit, which one of these is not like the other?  For example, you could hear Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, Jimmi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child, and then, without commercial interruption they’d segue into Su ‘fucking’ sudio by Phil Collins.  And, they would still call it a Rock Block.  How did this happen?  I want answers.  I thought Bennie and the Jets was an anomaly until Phil and Co. came along.

I Think I Missed Again?  Yeah, actually ya did, Phil-O.  That could be your musical biography.  Sussudio??? Really, people?  Su-su-sudio, ohh ohh.  This was one of those lovely tunes that could be on all three “rock” stations at the same time—incessantly played for weeks at a time.  Even the metal heads sometimes said, what the hell, it’s Phil.  We’re going to shift away from the long haired head banging sounds of the Skull Fuckers and instead play a little bald guy from England for our next “rock” block.   It was like Keith Moon, John Bonham, and that drummer from Spinal Tap died and cursed all future drummers and the rest of mankind on their way out.  

This pretty much sums up my 80s experience:

Did I miss again?
I think I missed again uh huh
Ohh I missed again uhh huh oh uhh uhhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh uhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular.  Now listen to that 27,000 more time and you’ll begin to grasp the scope of what happened to me in the 80s.  And things were going so well…with what’s her name. Yes, I didn’t like the song Sussudio, but, yes, I can sing the song verbatim (hint: this is why I need to vent).

In the mid 80s, against all odds, Phil Collins’ music style got even worse with the release of Against All Odds.  He was toying with me at that point. It was like he was saying, “You didn’t think it could get any worse than You Can’t Hurry Love, did you Zano?  You fool!  Well, I was just screwing with you…that’s nothing.  I have an arsenal of even shittier songs that people are going to play twice as often.  Mwahaahhhah!”

Take a Look at Me Now

Dude, do I have too?  I just ate.  Oh, and Mr. Phillospher King, for your information, YOU CAN HURRY LOVE!  Making it last is the trick, Einstein.  I have to admit I thought In the Air Tonight was a great song, until I found out it was about farts.

The only good news was this…you know the song I Don’t Care Anymore?  After hearing it for the four millionth time, I really didn’t care anymore…no more, no more…no more, no more…

He finally got his comeuppance, or downgradance.  Today, he’s the only person almost never played on classic rock stations.  Think about it, you can hear Genesis, you can hear Peter Gabriel, but where’s Phil? Just about everyone else played back then is still in the club—to varying degrees, of course—but Collins was finally banished to the soft rock lands, the Manillow moors, the Kenny G glades.  Justice served!  But at what cost?  …besides what’s her face. 

I am not surprised people finally realized he was grossly miscategorized.  Every young DJ was probably thinking, “Dude, what the hell is this shit?” and then they rightfully placed the CD in the section marked easy listening.   What collective spell were we under back then?  And what can we do to ensure this never happens again?

The only thing I can equate the Phil Collins phenomenon to is Sarah Palin today.  She’s huge! And Phil Collins was equally and inexplicably as huge in the 80s.  Is there some correlation?  We at the Discord have people working on this problem night-and-day to solve this Riddle of the Stinx.

Hey  wait!  She’s an Easy Lover.  No, it’s gotta be more  than that.   Hmmmm.   When I figure it out, and I will, you’ll get the scoop first, right here on the Daily Discord.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.