Markets Tank After Latest EU Conference “Catered” By Dunkin Donuts

merkelMLBrussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently did not “bring enough for everybody.”

The Ambassador of Finland had this to say, “David Cameron got a donut and he’s the reason we’re in this bloody mess. A chocolate one to boot! I wish the UK would have Brexited before he got the last chocolate iced donut!”

Merkel is defending her actions and her math. “There were three dozen donuts at the meeting and only 28 EU members. Someone or someones took more than their fair share.” The Prime Minister is also defending her decision to bring donuts in the first place. “I thought it would be a nice break from quail and sea bass and all that usual stuffy business,” said Merkel. “And it was an early meeting. Besides, these pastries are imported where I come from. “

Spain is “furious” that Merkel also brought several stale bagels and did not offer cream cheese. Spanish Prime Minister, Mariano Rayjo, said, “Only heathens eat butter with their bagels! What was she thinking? If this is the way things are going to operate, I don’t think Spain can be a part of this nonsense any longer. And there were no everything bagels! Who just gets poppy seeds? If I test positive for opiates when I get back to Spain [censored].”
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