Live Blogging the Movie Twilight: Now I Know Why I Hate Anne Rice

Mick Zano

I tried live-blogging the movie Twilight. Never do this. I would rather live-blog a hundred Republican debates in a pool of acid (not LSD). Not sure which Twilight thingy, exactly. Mr. Winslow would never reimburse me for an actual movie ticket, so this was purely a televised event. At least it was a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change.

a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change

Oh, boy, here we go:

Hour 3: I think the chick likes the vampire…hmmm. A plot twist I was not expecting.

Hour 11: After I ask for some clarification on something, my daughter says, “He’s a werewolf, Dad, and she’s a human who likes a vampire but the werewolf and the vampire are protecting her.”

So I ask, “Why aren’t they fighting or trying to devour each other?” It reminded me of that J. Geils Band song, Love Stinks. “You love the wolf and she loves a vampire. She loves some other zombie…you just can’t win.” I think it goes like that (you should hear my version of Angel is the Manifold).

For a little history, my daughter made me turn off Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein last year…made me turn it off! Right at the good part, when the monsters start showing up. “This is stupid, Dad!”

Is there any hope for the next generation?

Hour 24: I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand; his hair was perfect.

Hour 39: No vampires have attacked any werewolves yet, and no werewolves have attacked any other werewolves, etc. and so forth. “I say, hey, yeh, yeh, hey, yeh, yeh, what’s going on?!”

Hour 60: How come none of the werewolves ever wear any shirts? …even on seemingly light transformational days? Now back in the day, Lon Chaney Jr. wore flannel…you know, proper lycanthropic lesbian lingerie (LLL). And now, in this bizarro-were-world, they’re entirely beyond fashion.

Hour 83: Ooh, now the vampires aren’t wearing any shirts either. I fell strangely titillated. Must look up word titillated.

Hour 88: OMG, Edward is back! Who’s Edward again?

Hour 122: I wonder how many people realize Bella is a tribute to Bela Lugosi? Not many from this bunch, I reckon. Those same people will be shocked when she becomes a vampire. Now if only she was named Boris, or Lon, or maybe Romeroella…speaking of which, is Edward a werezombie?

Hour 130: Becoming a vampire is really ‘change you can believe in.’ Bella/Edward 2012.

Hour 789: “The only reason I left is because I thought I was protecting you,” said Edward. If only our former president had had such insight.

Hour 1,346: So, I thought about it, as I’ve had months during this “movie” to do so…how had we come to such a sad state of affairs? How had horror sunk into such a pit and a pendulum (sorry), such a pitiful paranormal state (sorry), such a pit of despair? (I don’t have to apologize for that reference; it’s not from a horror movie.)

Instead of watching Edward continue to be an embarrassment to all things vampire, I mulled over horror’s plight and the horror of horror’s recent demise. I couldn’t blame Fox News. Not this time. And then it hit me, Anne F*ck*ng Rice. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Interview with the Vampire (the book not the movie) and to some degree Lestat (the book not the movie), but little did I know what evil that woman would unleash on the entire genre. I think I made it up to Lasher, which I believe is about a transsexual gargoyle. Maybe that was a different series. Bottom line, Anne Rice should have stuck to porn. It was like she created some gateway series to hell…and not a cool hell like from South Park either.

Maybe we need to go back even further into the origins of celluloid horror to find out how we came to this dark and terrible place, which would be great if this horror movie actually had some dark and terrible places in it. Where’s the ground clinging fog? Where’s the creepy cemetery? Where’s the man in the mask who turns out to be Mr. Jenkins the caretaker? Now that was horror. This is more like Breakfast at Vladimir’s, or Legally Blood.

As soon as you bring in too much of the human drama, it’s not a horror movie anymore…it’s a human—or, in this case—an inhuman drama. Whenever you make the main point secondary, everyone loses…except chicks. It’s like Titanic. Sorry, it’s not a love story …it’s about a really big f*ck*ng ship sinking into the unforgiving icy waters of the North Atlantic! Swim Rose swim! And then get eaten by sharks. Now that’s a movie.

Sorry. Maybe we need to start with fifties horror movies. We can’t blame this all on Anne Rice. After all, they were cheap and cheesy and chock full of atmospheric buildup. As bad as many of them were, at least they took themselves seriously. Then came Godzilla movies, which were enjoyable in their own right, but ended the whole “taking themselves seriously” thing…in the form of a large seven story radioactively enlarged lizard.

A large seven story radioactively enlarged lizard

The next insult to horror came in the form of John Carpenter. Although, I admire his work, and I liked Halloween very much, it had the unfortunate side effect of starting the entire slasher genre—which, besides the movie Jason & Freddie Meet the Harlem Globetrotters—was completely worthless. It was Mr. Jenkins the caretaker! I knew it!!

Then a very good horror movie did something else to help seal the genre’s fate. Remember American Werewolf in London? Yeah, Landis, I’m talking to you. You made a good horror movie that was also bordering on a comedy. You confused a lot of people with that oxymoronic combination. Sorry, but you too had some part to play in the weakening of a genre. See, once a genre is weakened it’s susceptible to shit like Buffys.

Enters Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who finished off any hope of returning to the more traditional undead fiends. The rest is history.

Science fiction set a similar, yet parallel course into the bowels of the Sarlacc, so to speak, but I already covered that debacle here. I think George Takei had it right when he intervened during a recent battle between Star Wars’ Carrie Fisher and Star Trek’s William Shatner:

“Fellow Star folks, cool it down and shut your big wormholes. Each is wonderful in its own special way. What’s needed today now more than ever is star peace, for there is an ominous, mutual threat to all science fiction. It’s called Twilight and it is really, really bad.”

–George Takei

Hour 2,421: I agree, Mr. Sulu, but thankfully I gouged out my own eye balls during the last love sequence.

If I had my way, all the werewolves and the vampires would be trying to kill each other amidst a massive gore splattered battle. Oh, and this would occur during the opening sequence, not during hour 427.

You want to try a real werewolf/vampire flick? Go see Underworld: Awakening, hailed as ‘a new war, new breed, same attitude’…this also could have worked in South Carolina for the Republicans last week. But with them it’s the same breed, the same attitude…oh, but they will have a different war, I’m sure. What? You thought I wouldn’t get any digs in?

I even called up Northern Arizona’s premiere horror writer, Michael D. Griffiths to let him weigh in.

Zano: Dude, what did you think of Twilight?

Griffiths: It sucked.

Well, there you have it. Now back to our story, already in progress.

Hour (sorry, but time has stopped): This is turning into Groundhog Day, only in undead form. Oh, wait Edward’s back….and he’s not wearing a shirt! OMG! Didn’t see that coming…with any luck I’ll wake up in a few hours to Sonny and Cher singing I Got You Babe somewhere in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.