Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates

Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

8:15PM:  Started late because of the Daily Show monologue, damn.  Well, I have to get my real news somewhere.   I just got here and it’s already looking like Republicans have officially cornered the market on fear, paranoia, and stupidity.  At least they’re sticking with their strengths. 

8:30PM:  Good, Santorum is talking.  I can take a bio break.  The great thing about Rick is I won’t miss Dick.

8:40PM:  Oh boy, Romney is bordering on making sense on healthcare…no boos yet.  He better watch the whole ‘broaching reality’ thing with this bunch. 

8:45PM:  The jobs bill…hmmm, Obama had something to do with that, right?  So can I get a hardy round of F-NOs?  Of course I can. 

8:50PM:  Really, Perry?  The stimulus is a complete failure, one hundred percent? It created not a single job…ever?  I’ll tell you one thing it did do, it allowed you to coin the phrase “the Obama Depression” tonight, so be thankful for every penny of it, you uninformed putz. 

9:00PM: Bachmann just said she’s a voice in the wilderness…if only.  Someone keeps letting her back inside!  She finished her soliloquy by saying it’s not that hard to turn this economy around…sure it isn’t, if you’re a heartless wench, unburdened by even rudimentary math skills.

9:15PM:  Bachmann and Santorum just owned Perry by pigeonholing him as being in cahoots with Big Government.  Wow, this reminds of me when Mothra and Godzilla teamed up to take out Monster-X.  Just as many buildings seem to be burning in the background it seems…or is that principles?

9:25PM: Yeah, the coordinated attack on Romneycare has begun, right on schedule.  It looks like Mothra’s wings are on fire.  Oooooh nooooo, they’re booing?  Real Americans are booing the death of other real Americans without health insurance… Yep, the Foxeteers keep stooping to new lows; no easy trick when you already started out in the Marianas Trench. 

9:30PM:  Santorum’s back on.  Beer break.  Sorry. I lived in PA during some of this guy’s reign and I’ve heard enough of him to last several lifetimes.  What’s strange is he’s really stupid, yet not popular?  Thus he’s sort of a Tea Party anomaly. 

9:40PM:  Blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, I’m banging hub right now.  It’s calming me down.  I think I’ll also play the Kermit the Frog version of Hurt.   It helps…… to see if I still feel.

9:46PM:  Santorum’s back on and I don’t need anything yet.  Crap.  Good time to take out the recyclables.  Yep, he’s talking about American exceptionalism again, as if it still has any relevance in 2011.  These days America is special all right, but only in the same way that…nope, can’t go there.

9:50PM:  Wow…I’ll say one thing, these people aren’t nearly as jazzed about bombing and occupying Iran and Syria as they once were.  Hmmm.  Expensive toys don’t fly anymore, even cool ones with rockets—no doubt an unintended side effect of W.

I survived!  It was a close one, but I made it.  What struck was this:  boos were synonymous with the truth on any given topic.  When an inconvenient truth reared its ugly head, the mob reacted with disdain, aka, whenever their Fox sensibilities were challenged (aka, the programming).  Sure they applauded at some good things and some bad things, but those boos were the most telling.  Never has the neo-cocoon been more evident.  Hold on, neocons have actually morphed into isolationist, government-shrinking morons (IGSMs).  They’re the same people, just a little less insightful.  I will need to change the name of this delusional bubble of non-reality…you know, that magical place where most conservative types now reside.  How about the Tea Planet?

Just for the record, I’m fine with some government shrinkage, I just want it conducted by someone without brain shrinkage.

It seems like each candidate refuses to drink from the cup of stupid on at least one topic, minus Bachmann, of course, who is always two-fisting the stuff.  For the last round of debates it was McCain and torture.  Remember that?  He wasn’t going to play that game, for obvious reasons.  For Romney, it’s a reasonably compassionate view on healthcare.  So he’s doomed.  Even Perry got one right by saying the Great Wall of Texas would be a bad idea—followed by more booing, of course.  Regardless of your opinion on immigration a physical wall thousands of miles long is about the stupidest idea going for sure.

When Ron Paul mentioned, just like in 04’, how our own military occupations were cited by Al-Qaeda as a reason for 9/11, everyone booed.  They booed so loud he couldn’t even finish.

“Does not compute with American exceptionalism, warning, boo louder, warning, his words are hurting our ears.  Boooo!”

They wouldn’t even let him finish one of the few accurate statements of the evening.

One particularly incensed Tea Planeter interviewed after the debate told NPR, “We want to fight them there, so we don’t have to fight them over here.”

Wonder where she got that one?  OK, you win this round.  Why would Al-Qaeda have any insight into their own motivation?  Touché, Foxeteers.  Ron Paul is mentioning something called a fact…and facts no longer have any place in a Republican debate, unless they happen to jive with your less than stellar ideology.   Boooo yourselves!

In 04’ it was Giuliani who attacked Paul after this comment and this year it was Santorum, on cue.  Yep, actual history will never get in the way of their revisionist history.  None of them have learned anything with one notable exception, spending…there isn’t going to be any—even as it relates to potential military operations.  Thus Neocons have morphed into Tea Planeters.  This is progress…maybe.  But their candidates remain truly frightening.  It’s not a surprise such candidates exist, but the story is this: they’re popular.  I mean, they resonate with huge swaths of our society.  Why isn’t anyone talking about the implications of this?  To put it in perspective, if America was at the ASPCA we’d be put down by now. 

That’s my two cents, well, one cent…I can’t afford two right now; things are a little tight.  Time to listen to Kermit the Frog again and bang the last of my hub.  That’s an expression.  I think it’s drug related.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.