Ritalin Added to School Water Supply?

Ritalin Added to School Water Supply?

St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room.”

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

“Hey, it worked with fluoride,” said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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