Cincinnati, OH—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, told reporters today he is conceding the race and will stand behind a younger less baggage-heavy version of himself. Gingrich’s handlers claim the move came after he started flinging his own feces at a group of Romney supporters yesterday while on the campaign trail in Cincinnati.
“Not only do we need a base on the moon,” said Gingrich, “we need time machines that can access temporal wormholes for the sole purpose of allowing politicians, like me, to step back in time and avoid the pitfalls they would later regret.”
The older Gingrich plans to drop out of the race and spend more time with some of his families. Meanwhile, the younger version promises to resume the fight with new vigor “right up until the convention!”
Gingrich believes no one with any character can pass the scrutiny presidential hopefuls all face. “This is not about me. This is about getting the best presidential candidate in place to beat Barack Obama next year. I am that candidate, or I will be that candidate through some heavily funded temporal trickery.”
Gingrich also explained how the “construction of this fantastic machine will create real jobs for real Americans.” He finished his speech by calling himself the Once and Future Ging and then compared himself to Mother Teresa, Ronald Reagan, and that guy from Stargate…before he started flinging more feces at some nearby Romney supporters.