Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems…in 2007

Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, “You know, I think Hitler’s up to something.”

Here’s the first wisdom nugget:

“You could see in the Shia south, the Iranians reaching over and grabbing to take power. You could see in the Sunni northwest, the Al-Qaeda folks taking power and leadership in that area.”

Mitt Romney (2007)

Fox says this was so “eerily accurate” that he must have had a “time machine”. I would like to add that, because he’s a republican, he must have set the controls wrong on that thing. Uh…because most of us figured that shit out back in ‘04, three years earlier. Romney’s ‘insight’ is like saying, “you know, the Alamo is going to be really nasty” while a guest on Anderson Cooper tonight.

Here’s the 2nd wisdom nugget:

President Bush’s Dire Warning Ignored!
President Bush’s Dire Warning Ignored! Tell us more, oh Nostradumbass
Tell us more, oh Nostradumbass

Well, look who’s still talking? Make no mistake, republican’s revisionist history for this time period is now complete. Their conclusion: if only we’d listened to George W. Bush on Iraq. Sadly, it’s really no worse than the rest of their conclusions. I guess we can close that chapter from The World According to GOP. How about this one, Bush Accurately Predicts Own Incompetence on Handling of Iraq, or, better yet:

Captain Obvious

What they lack in brains, they make up for in balls. Republicans are so far beyond absurd, they can no longer even see absurd from their flying unicorns. The Iraq War is something I got right, not in 2007, in two thousand & fucking two. More importantly it’s one of the things Obama got right, in fact, it’s why he’s president. Forgot that part, huh? It’s also why I chose Obama over Hillary. So to hear a bunch of architects of one of the greatest foreign policy blunders in our nation’s history say “told you so” is astounding, even by normal republican delusional standards (NRDS).

NERDS!!! Wait, we are the nerds and the jocks…so republicans are the, uh, I’m going to have to peruse my high school yearbook and get back to you.

Colin Powell warned Bush, “You break it, you bought it” and “you know you’re going to own this place, right?” That doesn’t excuse his anthrax performance, but it still shows some insight, which was sorely lacking with that bunch.

But everyone knew by 2007—even republicans knew—there were no good answers in Iraq by 2007. It’s that same time delay I keep talking about. It takes years before information is properly processed by…oh, who am kidding? They can’t process information.

Admittedly, Romney’s speech lays out one important detail, and details are often lacking in the GOP’s foreign policy rhetoric. His sage like advice from that quote on Iraq also included:

“Handle carefully.”

—Mitt Romney (2007)

I’m not kidding, that was the only advice after he stated the obvious. So we didn’t handle Iraq carefully between 2003 to 2013. Damn it, guys! I said bomb the shit out of Baghdad, carefully. Maybe Iraq needed a giant warning label scrawled across the country, Handle with Care, or the Shiite could hit the Fallujah. Or, maybe, with the aid of drone strikes, we could have spelled out Fragile, so Palin could see it from her house. I think historians will be wrestling with questions like this forever, well, historians from the Heritage Foundation on ‘shrooms.

The “eerily accurate” quotes our friends on the right keep citing this week come from the ramp-up to the “Surge”, which I felt only acted as a Bushian human shield—you know, so he could quietly sneak away to go paint, or clear brush, or conduct some other task more suitable to his relative skill set, or:

“The closing of the American Mind under Rove’s direction seems almost complete. The Republican Party, however, has brought the concept of denial to levels unrealized since Pee Wee Herman’s dream of a new unsupervised playhouse.  Now, the catastrophic decisions by Bush and co. are swept away by the success of ‘the surge,’ which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.”

Mick Zano (2008)

Unfortunately this site only goes back to 2008, but here’s a fun Iraqi review:

1. Bush lied and started a war (see Downing Street memo).

2. The resistance to the occupiers escalated after we disbanded the whole Iraqi army (fun fact: they’re now an important part of ISIS).

3. Another fun fact: ISIS is the Egyptian Goddess of what are republicans smoking.

4. We propped up a Shiite, Maliki, who hates Sunnis. Who could have foreseen that that would become an issue? (Fun fact: he tried to have his Sunni VP killed, which was all part of Bush’s: Operation Iraq 1776).

5. Regional ethnic cleansing began, neighborhood by neighborhood (fun fact: Sunnis Shiites and republicans were all cool with this because they stopped shooting at Americans for a brief period. Winning!)

6. Years later, the election of Maliki bolstered Iran’s position and power in the region, which is still true today (Fun fact: isn’t that fun enough?)

7. During a pause in the civil war, at the conclusion of this ethnic cleansing, Bush “Surged” by sending more troops under Operation: please just kill each other not our troops long enough so I can leave office.

8. Al-Qaeda, who were never even in Iraq under Saddam, moved into the vacuum of power (this started under Bush and continued under Obama, which, of course = impeach Obama).

9. The marginalized Sunni’s waited very patiently to take revenge on the Shiite majority (this was set to begin whenever the fuck we wised up and left).

10. Civil War is beginning now (see: duh).

11. We reached number 11! Because my tutorials go to eleven! If that weren’t enough, the whole invasion sparked a more regional Sunni Shiite war across the Middle East, predicated by many before we invaded, including Bush’s daddy. But Bush Jr. has daddy issues so as a result hundreds of thousands of people died. (Fun fact: this example is the only time Freud was ever right about something psychological.)

So let me get this straight, the guy who didn’t want us to invade Iraq in the first place, Obama, is now wrong and the people who figured out we were fucked, a few years later than anyone else, are the new brain trusts? Really? Is that what the history books will say? Hey, why not add Bush and Jesus riding into Baghdad on dinosaurs? What? Too soon?

Reality Check:

A few years back during my 21st century scorecard, out of 14 of the most important issues of our time, the GOP only got one full point for “The Surge”, but with this caveat:

“Oh, and when Iraq completely descends back into chaos, I’m taking that “Surge” point back! I hope to hell it doesn’t happen, but I have to contend with something they don’t, reality.”

Mick Zano

Today, I’m taking back that point, right on cue. So the republican collective has yet to get any significant issue right…in this century! Hell, most real issues aren’t even identified yet by this bunch, story here. See my full two-parter takedown here, part 1 and part 2. Every word still rings true, especially the part about Smurfs. Hint: my comments tend to remain valid while their comments typically have a shorter shelf life than the Mad Cow meatloaf over at the Roadkill Café.

You can’t take something you totally got wrong and try to twist it into some type of anti-Obama argument. Oh, that’s right, that’s all you do. But this is offensive to those of us who got it right before the war and, especially, those who served and suffered because of these lies and blunders. As I have repeated ad infinitum, we will never change the mind of a single Foxeteer—that, in and of itself, is part of the problem. So, more importantly, we need to work together to keep them out of office. Organize for the midterms. Register as a Democrat and then, some day, when we once again have two viable parties in this country, you can switch back to independent. Until then, Go Hillary!

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.