Some have taken note of a pause in my periodic Apology column. I can assure you this so-called “pause” amounts only to a period of time wherein I could not bring myself to my job. It takes almost a superhuman editorial strength to acknowledge some of the rampant journalistic abuses all to common in this rag of a website. Zano is both the Head Comedy Writer as well as the Chief Editor, but his tendancy to post articles around last-call is becoming concering to say the least. His recent coverage of the first Democratic debate is the last straw. The incident is even worse than previously indicated as I will attempt to explain (operative word: attempt).
Again, I am not the Chief Editor, my job entails sending bail money when applicable and keeping this bleak venture listing along. I also review the endless barrage of quesionable reciepts arriving daily from a wide-array of questionable establishments. These “business expenses” would make even Rod Blagojelvich raise an eyebrow. Periodically I muster the strength to fact check previously posted material. Our headline: Secretary of Defense, Ashton Kutcher, Wanted For Abusing Scooby Snacks is an embarrassment. The Defense Secretary’s name is Ashton Carter and all Scooby-snack-related allegations were long since dismissed by the Attorney General, Loretta Lynn.
Another headline I remain disturbed about is: Obama to Send More Special Fortresses to Syria: Will These Fortresses Be Magical In Nature? I think it’s too long. It bothers me. Of course, the biggest recent blunder was Zano’s live-tweeting of Donald Trump’s live-tweeting of the first Democratic debate, here. Zano’s standing orders were to cover the Democratic debate, but instead he decided to cover Trumps’ Tweeted reactions to said debate. As I understand the situation, he chose a bar wherein Cokie McGrath was slinging the suds to accomplish this task. As things spiraled that night, these are the problems he admitted to:
“I forgot to bring cords and stuff, but I’m a professional dammnit, so I will make this happen! Although I have the latest Verizon Wireless 4G hotspot extravaganza nothing happens when I click on CNN Live streaming, it doesn’t work. My phone died, honey, Sassy is still out. Shit, I have to Follow Donald Trump on Twitter to get his tweets! I got this. Breathe.”
In retrospect, it would have been preferable had he stopped breathing. Things actually got worse from there, but what the general population is wholly unaware is how Zano was not actually following the official Donald Trump twitter-feed that night. He was following some copycat. Even more tragic still, this imposter’s feed signed off after only two tweets. I remain speechless of Mr. Zano’s staggering and ongoing incompetence. Firing him in the past has only prompted him to post even more material so I have resolved to task Alex Bone with final editing and monitoring the Discord’s Flagstaff branch. I realize Mr. Bone is severely dyslexic, but at this point I feel anything would be a vsat imrpovemetn.