Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!

Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of ‘lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

I don’t actually smoke pot, I just joke about it because it’s good weed fun (GWF). GWF, we’re not the ones who smoke the pot; we’re the ones who joke about the societal consequences. But here’s the argument for not legalizing it: more people will do it so there will be an increase in associated DWIs and ultimately there will be a spike in cannabis dependence. Sure we’ll need a better mechanism to determine how much THC is legal for driving and we’ll need to educate the population on the dangers of addiction…oh, and we might want to deport the Ghetto Shaman, either way. That’s about it. There’s actually not much of an argument against legalization anymore. Oh wait, there’s greed and stupidity, or as I call it Fox News. As usual, you can break any issue down on the right into the greedy people looking to make money (in this case the drug companies) and their misinformed lackeys (the Foxeteers). Look, the people against legalization haven’t been right about anything in…well, here’s a list of what Republicans have been right about in the last decade:


Bullfrog croak…

…of the lambs

That’s about it, so let’s Since conservatives are against the legalization of marijuana, there must be something to it…that alone should be a ringing endorsement for legalization.

I was an addiction counselor for years and counseled about five alcoholics for every one person addicted to pot (if that). Pot is addictive, sure, but not nearly as addictive as alcohol. In fact, next to hallucinogens, it’s about the least addictive illicit substance out there, aka, somewhere between Twinkies and Twilight (there’s a zone in between there somewhere, the Twinkie Zone?).

Besides, isn’t conservativism about freedom? Pot will have the unfortunate side effect of extending the users lives a bit (over alcohol), which is the only other negative…er, if you’re a conservative (hemp panels?).

Most, but not all, of my colleagues—working in the field of addiction—agree it should be legalized. The legalization of other substances among professionals varies, but most agree on freeing the flipping seed already (FFSA). And not many claim to understand what the War on Drugs is trying to accomplish at this point, certainly not in its current form.

“Have no illusions about the true nature of the so-called “War on Drugs” and the actions of the DEA. The War on Drugs has always been about protecting the profits of the drug companies which have a long and well-documented history of copying street drugs, repackaging them as “medications” and selling them to children as FDA-approved drugs.”

—Mike Adams Natural News

So don’t just legalize medical marijuana. It needs to be free and clear for public consumption. Otherwise this is just another ‘one percent’ scam. Big Pharma and the DEA are in cahoots and, if pressure is placed on them, by anyone, a slew of Fox News talking points will surely result. Then about half the country will immediately side with the drug companies. I’m so sick of this game—it’s yet another reason to back the Occupiers. The legalization of marijuana certainly needs to be part of their platform, that, and demanding Netflix stays in line.

Meanwhile, the medical marijuana businesses are under siege:

The Treasury Department has forced banks to close accounts of medical marijuana businesses operating legally under state law. The Internal Revenue Service has required dispensary owners to pay punitive taxes required of no other businesses. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives recently ruled that state-sanctioned medical marijuana patients cannot purchase firearms.

Ethan Nadelmann

A long time ago our society drew the line at alcohol. Fact, in every category alcohol is more dangerous, more addictive, and more destructive to the body than pot. Can you name a category, any category, where pot is worse? I didn’t think so. Harder on the lungs, of course, so how about filtered pot? Hmmm. Better than crystal menthol.

Also, the main premise of the Gateway Theory will evaporate. The current “wisdom” is this: befriend a dealer and start with pot and you might eventually try something else because you’ve already made these seedy connections with unscrupulous drug-dealer types. So once it’s legalized, umm, thus ends the Gateway Theory. But don’t worry. Who knows? Maybe the Gateway Theory could lead to other viable theories (the Gateway Gateway Theory?).

Look, even if you are a stoic, fundamental type—you know, one of those ‘life isn’t about having fun or choices’ person…I hate to tell you this but…you lost. Game over. We’ve seen an absolute unimaginable amount of funds go to the War on Drugs as drug cartels get richer and substance abuse becomes increasingly more prevalent in our society. You lost on a scale not seen since John Huntsman’s candidacy (a guy with brains for the GOP? Fuck that shit). Even if you are a Christian zealot, what makes you think paying Mexican drug cartels is a better idea than generating revenue for the U.S. Government? Oh that’s right, starve the beast; the government is the devil and Wall Street is the Messiah. There really isn’t any way to reason with some of you, is there?

Bottom line, you lost. Chalk it up as just another thing you funded the shit out of and completely fucked up. As we go broke, if you think continuing to fund this lost cause is a good idea than you might be a Republican.

There’s also a strong spiritual argument which stems and seeds from within the New Age movement. Some are demanding the use of certain mind-altering substances for religious practices…these practices likely go back slightly farther than Jesus (2735 years farther) and have half the calories of the leading Messiah. And on the third day, he dosed. Meanwhile, there are shamans doing time right now for practicing their religion. Some even feel criminalizing ayahuasca, peyote, and Ibogaine is akin to one of the greatest civil rights violations of our time—a movement stifling the very development of consciousness itself:

Other than being against arbitrary rules that the state has imposed on us, personal drug use by adults is not a “crime” in any true moral or ethical sense and usually takes place in the privacy of our own homes, where it cannot possibly do any harm to others. For some it is a simple lifestyle choice. For others, particularly where the hallucinogens such as LSD, psilocybin, and DMT are concerned, it is a means to make contact with alternate realms and parallel dimensions, and perhaps even with the divine. For some, drugs are an aid to creativity and focused mental effort. For others they are a means to tune out for a while from everyday cares and worries. But in all cases it seems probable that the drive to alter consciousness, from which all drug use stems, has deep genetic roots.

Graham Hancock

Keep this in mind, people who don’t do drugs tend to end up Republicans. Is that what we really want for our children? Isn’t life cruel enough?

Also, hallucinogens are currently the focus of numerous studies. They have been found to help improve personality, decrease depression and anxiety, as well as influence mood positively, especially in those not responding to more traditional treatments. You know who needs pot and hallucinogens the most? The same people that are against legalizing them. Just watch the next Republican debate and think, these people are on legal pharmaceuticals?…good God! What have we done?! Meanwhile, folks like the Ghetto Shaman feel the use of such substances are our birthright and is there a more upstanding citizen anywhere in our country than him? Bad example, but otherwise a good argument.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.