Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the “garden” state couldn’t have easily participated in the festivities.
Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. “Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5th,” said Christie.
“November?!” questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. “That’s sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description.”
The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, “Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic.”