The Horny Goat Weed Question

Mick Zano

Somehow it looks suspiciously droopy

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words “enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed”.  Below were the words “Proven Effective”.  Proven, not just “studies suggest”, or “emerging research indicates”, but “proven” to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?  I immediately envisioned one of those shady accident lawyers warning: “Have you or loved one ever tried to enhance your sex lives with Horny Goat Weed?  If your testicles turned several shades of red and then exploded in the aftermath, you may be eligible for a large cash reward.” 

I couldn’t handle that—I hate those commercials. 

Is Horny Goat Weed too good to be true?  Is it just a pipe dream?  (Pardon the unintentional imagery.) How does it work?  Is it flown in from the jungles of South America, or is it growing wild in my own backyard?  Is it something the Ghetto Shaman swears by? What is the side effect profile?  Is it safe to take with a bottle of Xanax and a bucket of Slurm?  Was it worth my last three quarters, or should I go with the old stand by, the ribbed French tickler?  Decisions in the back of greasy truck stops can change the course of history.  Some call this the latexfly effect.  OK, I just made that up, but now that it’s bandying about the morphic resonance, who knows?

My laptop is my trusty companion, my Samwise Tonto if you will, and the baby changing station has, no doubt, witnessed many an unsavory act, except the changing of a baby.  In fact, using this ‘station’ for its original intent would now probably constitute a phone call to Child Protective Services. In a pinch, it worked nicely as a laptop table.   The chances of getting online in the middle of the southern Nevada desert is about the same chance as some trucker saying, “Excuse me, sir, do you mind? I’m trying to change my baby.”  If, by some divine inter-net-vention, I were to get online in this stink pit, I would probably be breaking some fundamental law of the Universe by not searching porn.  Civilizations rise or fall on the decisions made in greasy truck…sorry. 

Alas, the gods mock me.  The search for more pertinent information about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait until I was comfortably situated in my hotel room.  

The next morning, to my horror, I discovered the Monte Carlo—in the heart of Las Vegas, Nevada—has only pay internet.  The nagging question about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait.  As the day wore on, the question became more of a burning sensation, a sensation that made me question the effectiveness of 75 cent French ticklers in the first place.  As it turns out, the internet is not free in any of the major hotel/casinos downtown.  When Las Vegas falls, I must remember to fiddle. 

Bald Tony arrived, but the booze and Thai hookers would have to wait; I needed answers and possibly ointments.  Failing miserably, all day, at getting anywhere with my web search, I gave Bald Tony explicit orders what to Google and to print out the results before returning to the Monte Carlo (under pain of death).  True to his word, Tony completely forgot.  So the next day, my curiosity about this strange but promising product had reached a fevered pitch, possibly C minor. 

[Scene missing for drunken Thai hooker orgy]

Sunday morning, Tony handed me three sheets of paper.  I scanned the documents with both fear and wonder.  Horny Goat Weed pertains to Chinese Herbalism (aka, ancient Chinese secret) and it goes by the name Epimedium Sagittatum, which is Latin for ‘Sir, your goat is humping my leg.’  Twelve minutes and two pages later I felt like an expert on what certainly sounded like some good clean, herb-induced boneage. But let’s get one thing straight; this is not your father’s Viagra…for one thing it’s called Horny Goat Weed and that, in and of itself, is worth risking your scrotum’s future.  And, if it ever fails, my offspring may be eligible for a large cash reward.  How could two billion China balls be wrong?  So my last three quarters may well be ‘change to believe in.’ 

Bald Tony, looking somewhat balder on this sunny Vegas morning, also arrived with a warning.  If you wish to verify the validity of any of this information, Tony strongly suggests implementing the safe-search feature on your web-surfing preferences when Googling the words ‘Horny Goat Weed.’  Otherwise, if you’re not careful, your eyes could melt out of your head like the end of that Raiders of the Lost Ark movie. 

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a dollar fifty worth of rest room novelty items on the line…

Onward to Vegas baby, and Vegas baby changing stations!

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.