As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the “Jan-Line”

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to “do it her (mother blanking) self.” After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, “The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time.”

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. “As for neglect and abuse,” said Brewer, “tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.