Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, “All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States.”
When others questioned the move, the president replied, “The only good part of Arizona was Sedona, which ended up completely overrun by New Age extremists. And the rest of the place is just dust and cactus plants. Let those gun totting, ATV driving, crawdad loving red necks be someone else’s problem. One less red state isn’t going to hurt anybody.”
Vice President Joe Biden added, “Arizona has always been more trouble than its worth and it’s so damn hot. You can fry an egg on your forehead and that’s more dangerous than texting while driving. Let those retirees soak up someone else’s dime.
The White House in not talking about how much they sold the state for. But after I cornered an Obama intern, bought her a dozen drinks, and cleaned her apartment, she said the entire state went for three dozen beef and green chili tamales.
College students in the surrounding states are also excited about this change. One young man said “Woo, yeah yeah woo. Drinking age is now only eighteen and I’m still only a few hours from a Rocky Mountain high.”
Proponents of this idea include AZ resident and Tea Bagger, Max Blohotaire, “I admit it won’t change my neighborhood much, but what about my guns? And I sure as hell hope those Mexicans won’t be expecting me to pay any taxes to help with their education. Hating kids is one of the reasons I moved to Arizona in the first place.”
The southwestern branch of The Daily Discord might also be in jeopardy. “When Winslow needed to save money for his second jet, he forced us to move out here,” explained head writer, Mick Zano. “He also didn’t want us attending the staff Christmas party anymore, after ‘the incident’. He also wanted to keep Alex Bone from always breaking into his house, stealing all his food, and passing out in his bathtub wearing his wife’s clothing.”
“I believe Winslow moved us out here for the cheap rent. He got a sweet deal on a one room shack without air conditioning that overlooks a mining till. Oh, and he also wanted to keep Tony Ballz from chasing after his daughters.”
When I asked my colleague, Mick, how this Mexico thing might impact the Discord, he replied, “Well, we’ll probably have more stories about beans, I suppose.”
Some of the major cities in Arizona are already receiving more Mexican sounding names. Tombstone will now be called “Place where gun happy gringos shoot each other,” and Yuma is now, “It’s way too hot to live in this shithole.” Phoenix is “El Loco Diablo” and Flagstaff will be hence forth known as “What’s this white stuff? I thought Arizona was a desert?” Granted, Flagstaff has a long name but we’ll keep working on a shorter designation.
President Obama added, “This is a pilot project. We hope to sell the rest of the southwest to Mexico, shortly. There’s no more water there anymore anyway. Due to global warming the area can no longer sustain life, so I want to make these sales before these states completely depreciate.”