Meet The New Dick ……………..Cheney

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence announces that the Centers for Medicaid and Medicare Services had approved the state's waiver request for the plan his administration calls HIP 2.0 during a speech in Indianapolis, Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2015. (AP Photo/Michael Conroy)

Michael Pence is someone who’s been on the edge of my radar for a long time. This man is evil. His positions have always been a little too fire-and-brimstone for my tastes. There was a time when such beliefs were at the cutting edge of mankind’s collective consciousness …you know, like a thousand years ago. So what can we expect from the VP-elect? Lots of scandals, great scandals. The best scandals! Whereas Cheney was more of a Bond villain criminal-mastermind type, Pence will be more of the evangelical, holy warrior dropped-on-his-head-as-a-child-by-God type. Keep in mind, this group has a considerably lower IQ than the Bushies. Roll that around in your mouth for while. Actually, don’t do that. That’s probably how Ebola started.

These Trump/Pence scandals will be very different from the Dem equivalent, because they will have the distinction of being real. Here are just some coming down the pike:

1. More women will come forward to explain how Trump objectified, abused, or assaulted them. And this just from his immediate family.

2. You can’t talk about Republican scandals without mentioning war crimes. These will be widespread and egregious. Bush’s walling, sleep deprivation, water boarding, and stress positions will be expanded to the ‘back-alley-bouncer blanket party’, the ‘house-always-wins curb ejection’ and the coveted ‘Trump rally escort’. I can’t wait. I can tell you, having survived some of these myself, these are torture! But I probably had it coming (usually while I was going).

3. Some ancestry website will probably link Pence back to some serial killer or other nefarious historical figure. I am betting his great, great, great grandpappy was a certain judge in Salem during in the late 1600s. I’m actually banking on my ‘one that got away’ theory. You see, we never did identify Jack The Ripper, but will DNA-ancestry sites help solve the murder and then will it have implications for our VP?

4. Someone as devout as Pence probably spends his spare time beating little boys or something. So this story is still developing (even though those he assaults probably haven’t yet).

5. Trump will likely Tweet way more secrets than Hillary ever sent unsecured. #LackOfIntelligenceBriefings.

I’m kidding about all of this, well, some of it. My main prediction remains: just like during the Bush years, we will not have time for trivial scandals. We will be plunged rather quickly into this Trumpian shitstorm. We will have much bigger turds to contend with than Benghazi, or Whitewater, or my favorite Travel-gate. Remember that one? “Hillary’s traveling around too much as Secretary of State! Why can’t she just climb on a tractor and clear brush in circles like Dubya?”

I have always maintained that each faction of this batshit party is as dangerous as the next, from the Tea Peeps, to the establishment, to the Trumpster Divers. Just remember, as usual, you heard it here first. Michael Pence, in his new expanded role, with expanded executive powers post 9/11, will be as responsible for our pending demise as Ass-Clown Hitler. This is called the Two Punch, folks, and I am also predicting this will be the knock out one. A President Warren is not going to be able to pick up the pieces. I leave you with this message of hope:

“A wise man named Steve Perry once told me: it’s about the Journey.”
—Steve Perry

It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away. That one he stole from me.

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