Breaking Vlad?

Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine…uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

This week German Chancellor Angela Merkel laid the Krauthammer down, so to speak, and helped broker a real and hopefully lasting ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. The Discord has exclusive information on what transpired during this historic phone conversation:

Merkel: Vladimir, darling, it’s time for you to take your little guns and tanks and go home.

Putin: But can’t I play just a little longer?

Merkel: Certainly, as long as you don’t mind a much lower allowance.

Putin: Yes, ma’am.

Obama: Hot dang, you go girlfriend!

Merkel: Barack Hussein Obama, hang up this phone immediately! I thought we already talked about this!

Obama: Yes ma’am.


This conversation, in turn, caused Putin to send Obama some high-end vodka and a little Thinking of You card this week, full story here.  I want to state again for the record, I’m not trying play the I told you so card, but I am trying to play the I’m sure the WWIII thing would have worked out well for a President McCain or a President Romney card.

Key Point: any 21st century election of a republican president—with absolutely no ties left to something called reality—would spell disaster for this planet. They would spell it wrong, of course.

So a spoof news blogger has more insight than an entire political party? That should be a kick in the teeth…um, if their base had any. Sorry, gotta have some fun. Thankfully, Medicaid Expansion is fixing some of their teeth, here, so maybe I’ll have my chance yet.

I admit this Ukraine scenario started off weird. Republicans say all kinds of dumb shit, every day, incessantly in fact, but typically nothing pans out. It’s like reverse magic, but the invasion of Crimea and Russia’s threatening posture toward Ukraine was predicted by folks like Romney and Palin. In fact, Palin said she could actually see this all unfold from her house. I don’t think anyone could have foreseen the shaky situation in the Ukraine and the co-occuring mess in Moscow that made all of this possible. Never the less, the GOP predicted something that actually happened, on Earth, in this dimension, which is almost unprecedented in the 21st century.

However, as things started to ramp up my message to the republicans was don’t pop your champagne bottles just yet. Remember, even when it looks like that one in ten shot is coming through for them, never underestimate the ability of the GOP to get it wrong.

Coming from a conservative perspective, here is what fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had to say on the matter:

“Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb.”

Pokey McDooris

(Hint of the Day: coming from a conservative perspective is synonymous with dead wrong):

Remember, they can’t discern chess from checkers or see the forest for the Kievs. Here’s my only retort for that deductive gem:

Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition, The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
The Discord got this one right and…uh…that’s about it.

Here was my rebuttal quote at the time:

“Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.”

—Mick Zano, Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing

Post the invasion and annexation of Crimea, republicans were convinced a weak Obama had allowed Russia to creep back into a position of power. Of course, nothing could be further from truth (hint: republicans can never be farther from the truth, which is also covered in my Quandumb Mechanics theory and the Zanoberg Principle.

I said, from the beginning, this was a move made from desperation that would ultimately backfire. Putin was never going to come out of this smelling like roses. He did have an opportunity to crash the global economy, for sure, but that was the extent of this “power move”.

Since then—and at least in part because of the annexation of Crimea and the subsequent sanctions—Russia is on the verge of another recession and Putin is receiving the economic message from the rest of world, loud and clear.

I encourage everyone to just take a moment to really absorb each news cycle. Look at each conservative prediction, on any given topic, and then do something they refuse to do, look at what ultimately happened a few weeks or months later. It’s uncanny. If I end up wrong on a major issue, it’s probably going to come when I ignore my instincts and say to myself, naaah, they have to be wrong again. This is very dangerous and may well be by design, but whose? This has been my fear all along, republicans will cover an important truth in a pile of their usual Foxel matter.

…perhaps, but not today.

I believe 21st century Republicans have invented their own reality. The consequences of this can be minimized if we continue to keep them out of office.  Don’t boycott businesses for someone’s religious beliefs! Don’t come down to their level. What you need to do is vote in the mother-blanking midterms, you mooching, socialist hipsters before I slap that PBR out of your hand.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.