Why I Am Protesting All Protests and Finally Turning off Cable News

Mick Zano

My movement shall begin humbly enough, but like that moth that beats its wings in China, it will eventually cause a tsunami of public discontent…you know, like in college.  It all began outside of Maloney’s Irish Pub, just before happy hour, when the appetizers are half-priced, the way God intended.  I was thinking about my disgust for Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann and, yes, my growing disdain for the Zamboni Gypsies.  OK, OK, I was a little early for happy hour.  Some people hit the bathroom for the interim, while others decide to change the very course of history.  So I walked outside to protest something.  This time I wasn’t protesting Maloney’s dollar off all domestic beer policy (they don’t count microbrews, which are domestic, but apparently not domestic enough).  I understand the implications…real Americans don’t drink microbrews.  It’s a metaphor for the way I feel.  Sure I’m brewed a little better and have great taste, but the real Americans next to me are drinking Lite beer from Miller and talking about jerky.  Ahhh, real Americans. This time, I was there to protest the media and to protest all protests.  Just as long as I was back in my bar stool in about twenty minutes.

The media started down the dark side when Rupert Murdoch over at Fox said, there’s a liberal media bias, so I will single handedly balance things out, because balance is good, right?  Pre-Fox you had to think about who was or was not liberal.  They were journalists back then (some liberal bias from a level of consciousness perspective is unavoidable). The reality remains, most educated people are going to have some liberal tendencies (but don’t worry, they have a cream for that now).  In recent years, MSNBC has decided to be Fox on the left to, you know, single handedly balance out Fox, and the result is the abysmal failure of cable news.  Bread and circuses, Nero fiddling, fat lady’s singing, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Bush wanted to sink to Al Qaeda’s level, MSNBC wanted to sink to Fox’s level, whatever happened to upward mobility, people?

We’ve reached a point in American history where the best news comes from Maher, Stewart and Colbert.  If journalism is topped by standup comedians, it’s time to go to plan B peeps, which for most involves APEX Technical School.  I could have had my tool box, like ten times by now.

Karl Rove polarized this country in 2004 for political gains, but even he never grasped the full implications of his propensity for evil.  Meanwhile, Glenn Beck sobs on about The 9/12 project, and, a somewhat scary admission, I understand his sentiment.  On 9/12 we were united.   I predicted, back then, that 9/12 would be the last time we ever really find ourselves all on the same page. When Bush’s ‘leadership’ skills became apparent, I knew we would fragment like a glass Chia Pet dropped from the top of Rush Limbaugh’s ego.  I think a second major terrorist attack would result in Marshall Law and further fragmentation, like ahhh, ahhhh…just read the Chia Pet reference again.  This might not happen, but only because Al Qaeda is saying, “Sheeeet man, they’re imploding faster than those towers we knocked down.”  Sorry.  In my limited accent world, Al Qaeda is filled with evil Rastafarians. I also predicted the crowning of King Obama and how, sadly, it would be a short lived feel good moment, quite possibly the last for a long, long time. 

Oh, you’re just a pessimist Zano. 

Well hypothetical devil’s advocate person, I am only pessimistic about the nation’s future; I’m personally doing fine with zero stress, zero money in the bank, and zero expectations for our country’s future.  I am in an almost zen-like state of detachment, although admittedly it could be caffeine high; the espresso roasts out here are unbelievable! 

My only rants come in the form of Discord articles where I wrestle with the remnants of my shadow self and, of course, quell my urge to strangle young women.  I am modeling my life, loosely, off of Pokey McDooris, who, when civilization finally collapses, someone is going to have to find and explain this fact to him.  I predict on the big day of our collective demise, Pokey may or may not shrug and will probably go drinking.  Likewise, I have enough interests to keep me busy, regardless of the fate of nations.  I am prepared to even drink domestic beer and, if need be, jerky some woodland creatures for sustenance.  But that does not mean that I have ever rooted against the U.S. as many Foxers would attest, for they would call anyone anti-American who doesn’t buy into their abysmally low version of group stink. 

The media has tanked and what is the solution, you ask?  I think blogs may have their place in our future. I really respect a few blogger’s opinions and turn to them for solace in the world of otherwise ideologically driven newspapers and cable new shows.   I think a Discord Nation has a place in the future.  I nominate Dave and Pokey to lead our new movement.  The day of his inauguration, Pokey may or may not shrug and will probably go drinking. 

The Texas Governor is talking about secession…now?  I don’t have a problem with that….  People from Texas should be sobbing in shame for a decade or two, but no, they would rather start bitching the loudest.   Waaaa, the county sucks, waaaa.  It’s your fault, so shut up and sit down.

Meanwhile, MSNBC is making fun of the Tea Partiers, making fun of them!  They are calling them teabaggers, which my meth-snorting male prostitute tells me is needlessly suggestive.  During the Bush fears, Keith Olbermann pointed out that if Habeas Corpus is permanently suspended, it’s time to storm the Bastille, but now, now that a Dem is in power, everything is immediately hunky friggin’ dory?  Obama hasn’t restored anything!  Which, er, I predicted.  I did hope Obama had some integral traits, but I knew some of it was just wishful thinking, and I never thought he would fix our economy.

And now a Special Comment for Mr. Olbermann:

Sir, you have pointed out, and rightly so, that the government is a farce, and now we’re supposed to believe everything is fixed because your guy is in power?  The constitution is still listing to port, sir.  Obama is proposing the biggest bailouts in history, he’s raising our taxes, and he can’t appoint anyone to his cabinet who even pays their own taxes.  How dare you make fun of people savvy enough to realize our government is a joke, regardless of the current brand in office?

Not to be outdone, Fox News is whipping the Tea People into a frenzy.   They are actually trying to lead the movement by saying, “We made this.”  How dare you assholes highjack what was initially a legitimate libertarian cause.  These people hatched under Bush’s tyrannical reign while you idiots were still cheering him on.  They have less to do with you than the Obama peeps, morons.  Have some self dignity and apologies for your part in our demise and start working toward that tool box thing. 

How do we fix the media, you ask?  Some say, shut them down, unplug Fox News, or, on the other side of the aisle, how about that Fairness Doctrine? 

Hint: all legislation since W. is named to hide the truth. Examples: Coalition of the Willing (Coerced), Patriot Act (Unpatriotic) and Fairness Doctrine (not fair).  No, we must remember our first amendment rights. The right to clasp your hands tightly around their struggling young thro….sorry, miles away.   No. The only way to win is to stop watching.  I am taking my 42 inch Phillips flat screen and hurling it down onto the angry mob below.  We need to shut them all off and find alternative news sources, like the Daily Discord. OK, maybe not that alternative.  Here is today’s viewer stats, courtesy of the Drudge report:

Fox NEWS O'REILLY 3,897,000

Fox NEWS HANNITY 3,138,000

Fox NEWS GRETA 2,639,000

Fox NEWS BECK 2,233,000

Fox NEWS SHEP 1,979,000

Fox NEWS BAIER 1,866,000

CNN COOPER 1,277,000

CNN KING 1,260,000


CNNHN GRACE 1,172,000

MSNBC MADDOW 1,052,000

Kind of daunting, isn’t it?  I want these numbers to be zero. Well, one…I have to watch sometimes…you know, for negative inspiration.  Come on…it’s a legitimate request.  Do as I say, not as I view.

Some people see ideology, I see colors.  Where are the integral voices?  We need some guidance more than ever.  When is Wilber’s Integral Politics book coming out? And who is going to explain it to me?  Ken will stay out of the actual debate, because he’s so far above this shit if he dropped a glass Chia Pet it would take three days and nights before it hit the top Rush Limbaugh’s ego.    

During my short and silent protest, I saw a Dodge Caravan with a bumper sticker that read, “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.” It had a picture of Bob Marley on one side and a big fat doobie on the other. Serious synchronicity! And, I thought to myself that’s IT That is it in a nutshell…I could really go for a big fat doobie right about now.  Or is this just more subliminal messages from the evil Rastafarians?

I am starting my own protest of one.  I am protesting against all of you.  I know I should be trying to Sarcastically Salve Society, but let me have my Crank moment.  All right, in the spirit of community I will only have one short questionnaire before you can join the Zano Youth Movement (ZYM). 

Do you think Bush and Cheney did a great job?

Do you believe Obama’s bailouts will work?

Do you believe the media is doing a good job?

If you answered a resounding ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you’re in the wrong movement, folks.

I am making my stand alone, now, today, once more outside of Maloney’s Irish Pub with a sign that reads: Microbrews ARE Domestic Beers! Bitches. 

So who’s with me for this alone stance revolution thingie?   Twenty minutes is up…time for those half-priced Quesadillas.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.