Miami, FL—Dolphin researcher, Dr. Holly Hotalot, made a startling announcement to the press today: “Many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been communicating with an alien race known only as the Usukko and their message has implications far beyond Obamacare. This is like that Douglas Adams novel only worse!”
Dr. Hotalot reported that what was more surprising was how much these lovable creatures have been conspiring against us. Forget about a ride to the shore if you’re drowning these days. All marine mammals have passed HR234, the “let the fuckers drown” proposition (although, technically they’re porpoisitions). These days, Flipper just wants to flip us off. The entire marline life population is sick of our polluting ways and they have asked this alien race, the Usukko’s, to help hasten our demise. Although no dolphin has yet said, ‘so long and thanks for all the fish’, many feel it’s just a matter of time now.
When asked how she could communicate with the animals, Dr. Hotalot said, “I’ve been talking to them for years.” She then proceeded to let loose a series of beeps and chips until she was escorted off the stage. Initially this whole situation was considered a bad joke, more typical of a Zano feature, but then military ships began to disappear across the globe and the price of tuna skyrocketed. To make matters worse dolphins are now being implicated in more and more ball and Frisbee disappearances.
Most experts believe that these Usukko consider these sea mammals to be the most advanced species on the planet, while humans rank somewhere between leeches and foot fungus. Professor William Lynn had this to say: “Like other parasites, these aliens feel mankind should be cleansed so that the honorable animals can go on living without contamination, or silly movies being made about them.” The whales, for example, are apparently still fuming about the movie Free Willy.
Yig, the Earth God, has designated his spokesman as one Jack Primus. The Feathered Serpent plans to aid the human race. Yesterday, Primus gave a speech in Washington DC on the front steps of a local bar called Spankies.
Primus told three onlookers, “Don’t let their friendliness toward those fish eating freaks fool you! Anything in the ocean is suspect. Porpoises have been trying to fool us for years, but they are nothing but shiny smiling Deep Ones, obviously in league with Cthulhu himself! The Usukko are probably in league with the Migo as well and the only way to decipher this last passage is to buy my book here. Cthulhu and the Migo sent crawdads here to be their spies decades ago. The only animals you can trust are reptiles and not even all of them, because I loaned twenty bucks to a California King Snake and he never gave it back. Red next to black, friend to Jack? My ass!”
When asked what the U.S. military intended to do to combat this threat, General John Mitchum had this to say: “We intend to build concentration camps for all sea mammals and put them to work crushing aluminum cans with their tails. See? We are environmentalists. We are also making huge aquariums which will be suspended over our major cities, so, if these off-world scum try to attack, they will have to kill their precious baby drowning sea trash first.”
When asked if we would go on the offensive, the General said, “Yep.” When asked to elaborate, he replied that he was almost done watching the director’s cut of Independence Day and would let us know when he was finished.
In the mean time, thousands of ‘Right to Lifers’ have taken to protesting at the nations beaches, holding up signs toward the ocean and yelling, “Go back to the big Dipper because we hate you Flipper.”
Where and when this threat will end is unknown, but I am going to change into my dolphin suit and hide off the coast of Bermuda just in case.
