What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola

Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions…involving unicorns.

“Should we go with magical thinking today or outright sabotage in the name of democracy?”

—John Q. Republican

During this crucial period in history—at least in the realm of foreign policy—Obama rates nothing short of a 17th level wizard. Dumbledem? Gandalf the Blue? No? I’ll work on that one, but someday soon our 44th President will be recognized for his foreign policy prowess (FPP). Okay, how about today? Apparently a viable first step has just been struck in Iran! I will refrain from another told-you-so moment—like hell I will, here. I realize many republicans will attack any diplomatic approach, to which I say, amen.

Republicans understand foreign policy in these simple steps:

  1. Bomb
  2. Occupy
  3. Fuck up said occupation
  4. Wait until a competent Dem shows up on cleanup
  5. Repeat

Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!
Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!

The GOP has sailed quietly between our worst president in history to our worst Speaker of the House in history. And by quietly I mean Olyphant in a Faberge’ egg factory in certain Latvian mall approaching the speed of sound…kind of quietly. In their world this is called Winning!

I don’t think we need your opinion on foreign policy. Oh, who am I kidding? We do, so we can always remember to do the opposite. For the majority of the Bush years The GOP failed to recognize the gross incompetence of that administration and now, always consistent, they can’t identify an administration with a more sensible and effective approach. Have I mentioned Obama has accomplished 10x as much with 10x as little money?

We really do live on two different planets. If men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, liberals are from Earth and republicans are from Pluto (which, incidentally, has been downgraded recently. Coincidence?).

Here is a list of what The GOP considers some of the leading issues of our time:

1. Obamacare (an attempt to regulate real America through death panels)

2. Our failure to defend Benghazi (aka the real 9/11. So let me be the first to say, Benghazi was an inside job!)

3. The move to a European-style socialism (for some examples Google: happiest countries on planet), scary stuff

4. High unemployment (hey, I tried to open all those hemp stands)

5. Our growing deficits and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

6. Our endangered 2nd Amendment (said the criminally insane person legally wielding the Uzi in the bar)

7. Immigrants forever changing real America (one lawn at a time)

8. Securing our borders (solved in two parts: 1. By building the Great Wall of Stupid and then 2. By creating the pathway back to Mexico)

9. A variety of Christian tainted social issues (CTSI) and, of course, abortion rights.

Did any of you throw up in your mouth a little?

Here are my concerns, in no particular order:

1. The Patriot Act (which led to unregulated drone strikes, The NSA, The Associated Press scandals)

2. Our ever growing deficit and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

3. Our inability/incompetence to move to greener energies [Kermit joke omitted by the editor]

4. The War in Iraq (more importantly all future chicken hawk/neo-conic ventures. Can you say WWIII?)

5. The impact of Global Warming, mass extinctions, and our dying oceans

6. Out of control healthcare and college tuition costs (finally one is being glitchily addressed)

7. The disparity of wealth (all wealth shifting to about six people)

8. Population growth and the genetically modified moguls who will feed us (all hail, Monsanto!)

These are all major problems that are occurring, right now. Each of them have huge implications for our personal freedoms as well as our collective future, aka, almost none are covered on Fox. This list should be our focus, but instead we’re glued to stories of selective outrage and bullshit.

You could also add the money we’re wasting on the War on Drugs to my list. My related post here. Or, our decision to torture prisoners and the terrible impact it has had on our international affairs and our credibility. In my personal life I relegate torture to the third date or beyond, provided we’ve established an agreed upon ‘safe’ word.

As for the republican’s list, no one is going to be talking about Obamacare a year from now…oh, who am I kidding? It will likely be covered for two years, assuming it has twice the longevity of a bullshit scandal (see: IRS or Benghazi).

My shit will become increasingly pressing and their shit, not so much. Granted, republicans have identified our long term deficits as a problem, but their solution is to have a depression (see: The Ryan Plan). Besides, deficits will stop being covered under the Christie Administration—so we can resume Operation Ignore Debt (OID) like magic. David Coppafeel? Fox rarely mentioned Bush’s or Reagan’s out-of-control spending, because back then it was simply the sweet cost of freedom.

You see, in the republican realms of all-or-none thinking our deficits are 100% attributed to Fannie Freddie, which is 100% a Dem created problem, and we can only reduce our deficits through 100% austerity and tax cut measures through a 100% nullification of all things Obama.

This isn’t 100% wrong, but as usual it’s pretty damn close.

In order to stave off a double dip recession we need a balanced approach of tax cuts and revenues, thus my advocacy for Simpson-Bowls. A very fair 10 (cuts) to 1 (taxes) deal was blocked by the Winning brigade last July. Motley Screw?

Cutting carbon emissions and shifting to green energies is another ratio that we must address. We could start by ending the use of coal within ten years. If you are currently employed by the coal industry, please update your resumes. Hint: solar is the future (see: Germany, or better yet my post). Does that mean oil ends tomorrow? In their world, yes, because it’s always either or. You’re either with us or against us, taxes or cuts, bombing or not bombing, socialism or capitalism.

And, of course, climate change or climate stability. It’s not slightly happening or maybe happening on Tuesdays only (which is my theory). Not happening is an interesting choice when one considers the severity of the consequences of getting this one wrong and something I like to call “data.”

Foxeteers will invariably support oil, nuclear, and coal “just for the meantime.” There’s still a few species left on the planet, so just for the meantime. Then they systematically thwart or mock any attempts at moving greenward. For them pollution and global warming are liberal talking points. Yeah, well tell that to Al Gore, who…uh…gets polluted every night and talks about global warming.

Since most of our biggest problems don’t even exist to republicans, we can’t move toward the solution phase of anything! Reality involves ratios and percentages, but reality has become the enemy of the right. We need to start discussing these and we need to do everything in our power to marginalize and ignore our reality-devoid republican friends. Regardless of the problem, they are simply not part of the solution. It’s going to make things harder, of course, but we must increase political sanctions until the GOP tears down all of their fake scandal factories…oh, sorry.

Anyway, I say we get back to using ratios, percentages, and realistic strategies to address the problems our nation is facing. And let’s leave the GOP home with a nice ball and some glitter—supervised, of course.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.