Washington, DC—General David Petraeus announced his intentions today to shift an outdated policy on gays in the military to the exit strategies for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
When questioned about the logic of expanding a policy the army may soon overrule, Petraeus said, “It’s true that don’t ask don’t tell may well be repealed in the near future, but before we send it off to pasture, it’s sorely needed in other arenas. Think of it as a ‘surge’ before we pull out all together.”
Petreus then asked to have that last statement stricken from the record, as it “sounded a little gay.”
Petraeus believes that the policy, which would include: “the press shutting the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” could be successfully applied to both military engagements.
“Of course we wouldn’t say, shut the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” clarified Petreus. “We would simply say, ‘Sorry, that question is in violation of our don’t ask don’t tell policy.’ After my statement, I might add the word, bitches, in rare instances, but only because I’m a huge Ghetto Shaman fan.”
Petraeus believes the new policy would allow U.S Military time to establish permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan, which could come in handy when the U.S. “takes a shit.”
When asked when he thought the U.S. would, in fact, “take a shit”, Petraeus replied, “I think we could successfully expand don’t ask don’t tell to include all press questions in the near future.” The General then went on a wildly inappropriate, Bush-channeling tirade, “We need to come out of the closet there, or they will follow us into the closet here! They’ll stand up, when we go down!” and, the Discord staff’s personal favorite, “They hate us for our FemDom.”