Somewhere Paul Ryan is getting moist.
Taos, NM—Wordsmith and linguistics guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, unveiled his latest endeavor to search for a word that epitomizes today’s conservative party. Dr. Hogbein told reporters today, “I was having some Ramen noodles the other day when, on a whim, I added a dash of Emeril’s spice, Essence. I then proceeded to spill the entire steaming bowl onto my groin. That’s when I thought, the word ‘shitshow’ no longer captures the essence of today’s conservatism! We need a new word! Then I called 911 and promptly sued Emeril Lagasse.”
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here. Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.
A headline over on Drudge yesterday read “Christians Under Siege!” Yes, I took the bait and made the mistake of reading the whole article. The assaults on Christianity are always a variation of the same two: Christians are now forced to watch other people marry the person they love and/or not everyone says “Merry Christmas” as enthusiastically as our Founding Father’s envisioned. Some people even have the audacity to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” on December 25th .…you know, Saturnalia. The main point of this same article shifted to southern Christian conservatives burden to make sure they choose the right, God-fearing candidate. This is a tremendous burden, indeed, as they must decide whether their party should tack stupid, or tack reeeally stupid. I think if Hercules had to choose between these jokers, he’d be like, “Can I just wrestle the giant squid again, please?”
Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.
Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country into delusion? Bill Maher recently asked, “did this crazy base always exist or have their numbers swelled through Fixed News and the like?” I think it’s a little of both. We all know someone who still says: had we only used bigger bombs in ‘Nam, or if we’d only kept those “gains” from The Surge in Iraq, or if we’d only ignored Watergate and left Nixon alone …so he could focus on Benghazi.