New research conducted by Primates-R-Us Laboratories suggests chimpanzees have acquired all of the necessary skills to become Congressmen. Chimpanzees learned to dress in suits while filming movies during the 1950’s – 60’s. They have also learned to respond to anything the alpha chimpanzee is doing simply by flinging feces. Now, some primates are proficient at both flinging feces and having affairs with their interns. Many scientists believe this is the last skill that separates primates from politicians.
Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Lube said, “We are watching evolution occur. In this case, it’s really more about evolutions converging as chimps are evolving and Congress is devolving. So essentially they were bound to meet.”
When asked about the comprehension of legislation, Dr. Hogbein explained, “This is no longer a requirement of Congress. Case in point, no one, Democrat or Republican, read the Affordable Care Act and it has been the law of the land for some time. The other criteria we scrutinized was the filibuster, but chimps are capable of grandstanding-style speeches with both chest thumping and feces flinging. The sheer endurance needed for an all-night filibuster simply requires the consumption of enough bananas prior to the condition stimulus.”
Upon ending the interview Dr. Hogbein added, “Good thing Republicans don’t believe in evolution because they haven’t quite mastered it yet. Oh, and what does a monkey fling across a room that sounds like Pavlov’s bell? Dung! Get it!”