The Fox News Network is proud to present its newest foray into investment diversity. Spearheaded by one of their most innovative propagators, Tucker Carlson, Fox & Friends are making controversial decisions to compete with the Liberal mainstay, Trader Joes. Tucker Joe’s will cater to right wing interests and sensibilities. “The store is prepped to boost ideas which the typical Fox viewer can get behind,” said with Tucker Carlson with a quizzical look. “There won’t be any snowflake, job-stealing liberal items on sale at my store! No, we’ll have our forty-acre beef. You’ll never sink your teeth into something tastier than when you find out a full forty acres of farmland is used yearly just to provide enough grain to produce one steak.”
“Other delights include shark eye soup. We catch the massive fish, harvest its eyes, wrap it in saran wrap, and then dump the rest into the ocean. Ahh the decadence. With all that extra waste, you know it must be good.” I then asked him about the store itself and what kind of shopping experience we could expect. “Of course, Fox news will be played on every aisle so you can consume tummy food and brain food at the same time.”
“There are also new technological innovations which will make any woman who walks through the door pregnant, and we won’t ring up her groceries until she gives us her shoes. And, instead of asking people to bring in their recyclable bags, we will put every item into an individual bag and that includes the bulk nuts. Bulk nuts …now that has quite a ring to it. Hey, maybe that could be a cute name for all of our patrons.”
Flora Fatale, the vice president of excess and promoting global warming, said, “Oh Tucky wucky you didn’t mention our flagship product.” She handed me an almond. “These are uno almonds. Growing just one of these babies uses more water than half of Maricopa County, the most populous county in Arizona. After we planted our first crop, the water levels at Lake Mead lowered three feet in just one day! Imagine how good it must taste to risk the sustainability of the entire southwest! And, we’re calling our almond cookies, Great Lake Clusters, because, yep, we’re going to need those for that recipe.”
When asked about the roll out, I was told they are buying up homeless shelters, health clinics, and social security offices in all the red states. As far as their plans for the more liberal states, Fox intends to put one outside of every retirement community they can find. “Give me a few years and I’ll be serving monster truck engine heated pork to half the country,” said Carlson.
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