New York, NY—During a press conference today, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump spent nearly a half an hour rambling on a wide range of topics, ranging from how talented he is to how untalented everyone else is. Finally, Trump got around to announcing his choice for Vice President, “World, I give you the next Vice President of the United States, the Governor of Indiana, Michael Pence! Oh, and Pence, you’re FIRED!” He then proceeded to pull out a Beretta M-9 out of his pocket and assassinated the Governor on live television. Trump explained his actions, “I don’t want what almost happened in Turkey to happen to me in Cleveland or beyond. These #NeverTrump people—and I hate to call them people—but these folks have some bad ideas. They’re bad. I am not taking any shit, so read my lips, No New Feces. I am therefore nominating myself for Vice President of the United States. Who better than me to have my own back? It’s two for the price of one. It’s win-win.”
Critics are calling the move barbaric and uncalled for. Others are saying, “Guns don’t kill people, Donald Trump kills people.”
Democratic presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton weighed in today as well, “Once again Mr. Trump has shown he does not have the temperament to be president. Everyone knows you assassinate your political rivals with great care and attention to detail, and only after you arrange an appropriate alibi. This is also a security failure. How did he manage to get a handgun passed his own secret service? Sure he shoots his mouth off all the time, but this could been much worse.”
AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh, is defending Trump’s actions today, “Obama is weak. Look what has happened to the Middle East under his watch. It’s about time we had a commander-in-chief with some balls. The Donald is just setting the tone early. He is not only going to make America great again, he’s precisely the kind of strong man this country sorely needs.” Mr. Limbaugh has reportedly sent a list to Mr.Trump of all the people he feels deserve their TrumpUPence.