Tag Archive for satre

Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Monday’s Eclipse

Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”

In Show Of Force Trump Executes VP Pick On Live Television

pencetrumpNew York, NY—During a press conference today, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump spent nearly a half an hour rambling on a wide range of topics, ranging from how talented he is to how untalented everyone else is. Finally, Trump got around to announcing his choice for Vice President, “World, I give you the next Vice President of the United States, the Governor of Indiana, Michael Pence! Oh, and Pence, you’re FIRED!” He then proceeded to pull out a Beretta M-9 out of his pocket and assassinated the Governor on live television. Trump explained his actions, “I don’t want what almost happened in Turkey to happen to me in Cleveland or beyond. These #NeverTrump peopleand I hate to call them peoplebut these folks have some bad ideas. They’re bad. I am not taking any shit, so read my lips, No New Feces. I am therefore nominating myself for Vice President of the United States. Who better than me to have my own back? It’s two for the price of one. It’s win-win.”