2011 The Discord’s Person of the Year

The Crank

Representative Anthony Weiner, or ex-rep anyway, embodies all that is wrong with the world in a nutsack—er, nutshell. Do we remember any legislation he was responsible for writing or passing? No. Has he left the world a better place? No. Did he respect the office? Well, maybe the TV show.

We remember Representative Anthony Weiner (RAW) for being RAW. We remember when he tweeted his peter. If he can’t make Time’s Man of the Year award then let’s, for lack of a better word, thrust the title The Discord’s Member of the Year upon him (pardon the pud). And least we never forget that fateful day when someone named Weiner, a Congressman no less, sent someone a picture of his own…now what should we call it? Tubesteak, kielbasa, rod, howitzer, stiffy, trouser-snake, willy, Clinton, bazooka, weapon of mass dickstruction, trouser-ferret, pole, painless pole, pecker, boner, thing, piece, member, tool, package, shaft, chub, wankie, doinker, ding a ling, ding dong, meat popsicle, big kosher…

Winslow’s Comment:

The colloquialisms for penis went on for several pages. After receiving this submission, I immediately sent the police to the The Crank’s residence for a welfare check. But when the police arrived he shouted, “I’m up to P, what’s another name for penis? Wait! I got it, pork-sword. Thanks.” And slammed the door.

I did sift through this monstrously schlong list for some politically relevant ones: member of Congress, Richard M. Nixon, demacrotch, Zogby pole, and calling the erection.

We now bring you the rest of The Crank’s feature already in progress.

…stinky pickle, third leg, tonsil tickler, heat-seeking moisture missile, kosher beef bayonet, skin flute, Mr. Happy Johnson, Captain Winky, One-Eyed Willy, purple headed warrior, flesh trombone?

He did this all to impress some virtual woman, probably using a picture of Jessica Alba as her avatar. Oh, and all the while he’s married to Hillary Clinton’s very pregnant right hand woman and main assistant. It was like “Lets see, what could I possibly do today that would totally fuck up this great thing I have going?”

What a dork. Wait, there’s another one! Fill-a-buster, or does that only work if he’s gay?

He is just like all the rest, getting paid to do the people’s business, all the while thinkin’ of “dooin” the people instead.

There should be a ‘common sense’ test to see if you are worth the money you will be paid. This could be extended for all Government employees, all professional athletes, and all Hollywood celebrities. It would be a multiple choice test, kinda like dis:

Question 1:

If you find yourself with some extra time and extraordinarily large sums of money on your hands, your first choice of action would be:

  1. Choke some pit bull dogs to death (as did Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick).
  2. Drop your illegal, loaded handgun on the dance floor of a New York club from the waistband of your sweat suit and shoot yourself in the ass (as did Plaxico Burress, ex-New York Giant).
  3. Leave a nasty drunken voice message on your young daughter’s cell phone cursing her as loudly as you can (as did Alec Baldwin).
  4. Tweet pictures of your penis to young girls (as did Anthony’s Weiner).
  5. Have some McNuggets.

If you’re too fargin’ stoopid to pass this little exam, you forego the money and go back to flipping fucking Whoppers…oh, wait , there’s another one! Just a Willy on Capital Hilly!

Walk-a-proud Tony, walk-a-proud.

The Crank

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