Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes. These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips. These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!
Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture! Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step. Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society? Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls.
“We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic,” said Megan Forrester of N.U.T. Counseling.
Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.
Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath.