Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was “in the can” when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film. Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a “G” Thang.
“It was my girlfriend,” claimed Mr. Evans. “She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook.”
Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle,” said one movie goer and Snoop fan. “That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds.”
Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder). After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably. Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of “a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as “that little bitch with the Jujubes.”