Fremont, NE—The Campbell camp is on damage control today after congressman Ted Campbell (R) organized a protest outside of Keene Memorial Library. After watching a Fox News segment, the two term Congressman became convinced that librarians living here in this country illegally were spreading Ebola to good Fox fearing Americans.
Campbell believes Al-Qaeda and ISIS operatives have been training and sending librarian “shusher cells” to decimate the American population. “What do we really know about the Dewey Decimal system?” said Congressman Campbell. “No, really, I never learned that.”
Campbell had a lot to say about the ‘ills of learning stuff’:
“Reading and learning is a slippery slope to understanding,” said Campbell. “What happens to readers? They become liberals, that’s what. So reading is obviously a gateway skill. Now I’m not a mathematician, but the word “liberal” even sounds like librarians and we all know librarians spread Ebola.”
When explained the definition of librarian, Congressman Campbell became agitated. “We know our borders are not secure, because our President hates freedom. Breitbart.com has proof that ISIS is sending Ebola-infected librarians through Mexico. Heck, Nebraska is only a quick 20-hour jaunt up 25, uh, and several hours east over on 76. Look, if we allow one more librarian to infect just one more Texas nurse—except that oriental one, I mean, I’m sure she’s from somewhere else—we will use our God given 2nd Amendment rights to shoot people who disagree with us. Amen. That’s part of the stand your…uh, stand your, well it’s a law somewhere. I, as a Fox fearing American, want to know if these shush happy oppressors have connections to reading extremists. I think that’s a fair question and this may be off topic, but if I want to talk in that ‘quiet section’, isn’t that part of my 1st amendment rights? Shush yourself you NPR-listening Ebola-spreading foreigners!”
Campbell’s rant on this site was not without consequences as he received a ten point bump in the polls and a happy tweet from Sarah Palin.